Last Night Flight

 

Image by StockSnap from Pixabay

upon my last night

I will take flight into space

becoming a star

notes

https://www.writersdigest.com/write-better-poetry/2023-november-pad-chapbook-challenge-day-30

Write a last night poem.

I decided against back-dating this one. 

This year I'm writing not one but two remix poems, the first one starting with my first poem from this year's challenge and the second one starting with the last. 

November was a stressful month. I'm not sure December will be much better, but I'll be striving to unfuck some fuckery. 

~Ornery Owl Has Spoken~

Image by Gerry from Pixabay

Free use image by Gordon Johnson on Pixabay

Legal Eagle's Corner

https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/4.0/

 BY: credit must be given to the creator.

 NC: Only noncommercial uses of the work are permitted.

 SA: Adaptations must be shared under the same terms.

If you want to use this Haiga for commercial purposes, drop a comment with your contact information and I'll contact you.

Rituals

 

In Holy Smoke by Chinh Le Duc

I miss my rituals

though I am unsure

they amounted to anything.

I miss having something to believe in

but I can't accept

rigid dogma

notes

Today's Haiga-esque creation was inspired by the following prompt.

https://experiencewriting.com/2023/10/02/oct-2-prompts-what-are-your-creative-rituals/

I'm not following these prompts to the letter. You can if you wish, but I'm not up to it. 

Text art and effects were added to the base image using Pixlr. You are welcome to share my Haiga thing, but please credit Cara Hartley/Ornery Owl if you do. A link back to this blog would also be nice.

Most of the time I let my poetry speak for itself, but sometimes I've got to pop off. This is one of those times.

You're welcome to believe, not believe, or not be sure of what you believe. I have no interest in making others be or think like me. We have all experienced different things both in this life and potentially whatever lives we had before. You are not me and I am not you.

I wouldn't wish some of the things I've gone through on my worst enemy. I understand that other people's experiences may not have been as contentious so they may not get where I'm coming from. I don't ask you to agree with me, I ask you to try and understand rather than attacking or arguing.

I'm not interested in debating you. If your beliefs serve you well, good on you. Don't try to convince me that I must believe as you do. I don't take well to proselytizing. Conversely, I'm also not keen for acerbic atheism. By this I mean I don't much care for those who mock anyone with spiritual beliefs.

I'm a devout agnostic. I've seen some shit, and most of the time I think there is something of ourselves that continues after the death of the body. I have no irrefutable proof of this, but the idea of absolute nothingness and the idea of a punitive paternal figure who sends anyone who doesn't worship him properly to eternal hell are both incredibly depressing. Since moderate depression is my baseline state, I find it's better if I have something to sort of believe in, and it's best if that thing isn't a sadistic parental figure.

I was a devout Catholic until I turned 18. After that, I fell into New Age philosophy for about 25 years. I found no peace there because I discovered that New Ageism holds to the same old my way or the highway philosophy as other major religions, it just puts an esoteric spin on the dogma. 

During my New Age phase, I spent thousands of dollars to end up feeling worse about myself. The movement is rife with toxic positivity and victim blaming. New Ageism is poison for anyone with a history of trauma as well as for those living with chronic health issues. 

New Age thinking postulates that people bring all their problems on themselves by sending out the wrong energy or not believing in themselves enough. This is just prosperity gospel repackaged. Prosperity gospel preaches that bad things happen to people who don't pray the right way or tithe enough of their earnings to their local megachurch, Joel Osteen, or whoever the latest shiny veneered grinning face of prosperity gospel may be.

I recommend following @JoelDongsteen on Twitter--excuse me, X. At least you'll get a good laugh during this lifetime, and the joviality you feel may even follow you into the afterlife.

~Ornery Owl Has Spoken~

Image by Oberholster Venita from Pixabay

A Matter of Syntax

 

Base image by Jackson David on Unsplash

a prayer, spell, or wish

small variance in meaning

same basic concept

notes

The Haiga was inspired by a prompt from Carpe Diem Haiku.

https://chevrefeuillescarpediem.blogspot.com/2012/10/carpe-diem-23-praying.html

Text art and effects were added by the poet using Pixlr. 

You are welcome to share the Haiga, but please credit Cara Hartley/Ornery Owl.

sharing with

http://myjustsostory.blogspot.com

https://odysee.com/@MichaelGhelfi:c/1-hour-of-combat-music-airship-armada:5?r=GTwnGJ4fFBQfzuJgpHVpfKBKaC9b8B16

Mostly Grateful

 

Base photo by Yours Truly

amazed I'm still here

loneliness and chronic pain

mostly feel grateful

notes

This Haiga was inspired by an older prompt from the Carpe Diem Haiku site.

https://chevrefeuillescarpediem.blogspot.com/2012/10/carpe-diem-preview-3.html

The photo in the base image was taken by me, probably in 2021. My iPhone died in July 2020 and I got a Samsung Galaxy 10, which had a better camera but was a really shitty device. I replaced it with my current Galaxy 21 at the end of 2021, which is a much better device.

Anyway, both the base image and the altered image are my work. If you wish to use the base image or share the Haiga, feel free to do so, but please credit Cara Hartley/Ornery Owl. A link back to this blog would also be appreciated.

I prefer to let my Haiga speak for themselves, but I want to make it clear that I'm not engaging in toxic positivity when I mention being mostly grateful. I used to wonder why those "have an attitude of gratitude" mantras just made me feel worse about things. The reason is because that approach makes a person feel bad for not feeling good.

I don't feel good all the time. Some days are better than others, but it would be a stretch to say I ever feel good. I'm fortunate that my pain levels are mild to moderate. After injuring the median nerve in my left arm at the end of 2017, I endured six weeks of chronic severe pain. 

The only way I could obtain relief was by lying on the arm to make the nerve go to sleep. I couldn't sit up for more than 45 minutes before the pain became intolerable. It was hard to think clearly. The only reason I didn't seriously consider taking myself out was because I was hopeful that physical therapy would help. 

It would have helped sooner if I hadn't had to wait three weeks for Medicaid to kick in. I make no apologies for believing the United States needs a Medicaid/Medicare For All system. There have been many times in my life when I went without care because I couldn't afford it.

My default is chronic widespread mild to moderate pain, which I suppose is connected to my dysfunctional endocrine system because it started after my thyroid decided to immolate itself when I was in my early teens. People with chronic low-grade pain tend to feel tired all the time. NSAIDs don't touch this kind of pain and opiates would be overkill. I get some relief from CBD oil.

What I mean when I say I'm mostly grateful to still be here is I was extremely self-destructive when I was younger because I truly thought I was the most fatally flawed fuckup ever to exist, courtesy of complex PTSD. I spent most of my life feeling this way. Not to put too fine a point on it, but fuck everyone who contributed to my feeling this way. Fuck all of you sideways. I didn't deserve what you did to me. I'll never understand why you did it.

I'm mostly grateful to still be here because I still have a lot of shit left to do. If nothing else, I feel it's my sworn duty to my fellow freaks to stick around and piss off the pretty people with shitty attitudes who think it's fun to use those of us who are socially awkward and/or not conventionally attractive as their punching bags.

 Also, fuck you to every guy out there who ever dared one of his friends to get with the "ugly girl" or who took his friend up on such a dare. I've never trusted any asshole who told me I was "pretty." I always knew they were up to something, and I don't mean they wanted to get into something good. None of these guys thought I was any good. I know for a fact they were no good.

I'm not grateful to the god of any church for saving me. I ceased being a theist years ago. I'm an agnostic deist. I believe in at least the possibility of a higher power. I don't believe it involves itself with earthly affairs. 

If this higher power was responsible for spawning my soul, sometimes I'm grateful for that. Other times I wish it had gotten distracted by a squirrel or a supernova or whatever might distract a cosmic force and forgotten it was going to create me. Then again, that's probably why I'm half-baked. The creator got distracted and forgot to add some necessary components that would have made me more palatable to my fellow travelers on this planet.

Then again, I think most people suck and I'm glad I'm not like them. A lot of people look for any excuse to be nasty in order to make themselves feel superior.

So, yeah, mostly I'm grateful to still be here despite my many attempts to slowly (or quickly) kill myself with risky behaviors and substance abuse, but some days are better than others. Sometimes I wish an asteroid would hit me and sometimes when I wake up I wish I hadn't. 

I'm not done telling my stories yet, so, mostly I'm grateful to be here. Even though I'm broken, I'm lonely and misunderstood, and I'm in pain most of the time. Actually, I'm in pain all the time but sometimes I'm not as aware of it.

This is my reality and my life. I don't apologize for it.

Also, fuck toxic positivity. It's a damn pack of lies.

Ornery Owl Has Fucking Spoken

Image by Ria Sopala from Pixabay

Let your old pal Ornery Owl tell y'all a little story, Kiddies.

https://odysee.com/@deepprogresivehouse:4/432Hz-Lounge--Downbeat-Music-Mix-By-Sinan-Mercenk:8?r=GTwnGJ4fFBQfzuJgpHVpfKBKaC9b8B16

November PAD Challenge 2022: Day 30: And That's All

 

Image by Mystic Art Design from Pixabay

ashes to ashes

does something precious remain

the day the end comes?

~ornery owl has spoken~

Image by Mystic Art Design from Pixabay

notes and prompts used

https://www.writersdigest.com/write-better-poetry/2022-november-pad-chapbook-challenge-day-30

For today's prompt, take the phrase "And (blank)," replace the blanks with a word or phrase, make the new phrase the title of your poem, and then, write your poem.

https://imprompt.wordpress.com/2022/11/30/day-30/

Write a small piece about a small thing worth more than its monetary value.

It's a bit obscure, but I actually did this. Few things have less monetary value than an ash.

Today's Playlist

https://odysee.com/@ambiencealchemy:2/cosy-christmas-ambience-snow-storm-and:5?r=GTwnGJ4fFBQfzuJgpHVpfKBKaC9b8B16

"Well, that's a bit fucking FESTIVE after that gloomy philosophical shite, Ornery."

Yeah, I know. It's how I roll. I like to mix things up a bit.

Many Temples Senryu

Image by Little MiMi from Pixabay

so many temples

away from the daily stress

enlightenment here?

~cie~

notes

I don't want to spend too much time rambling on, but I want to give credit where credit is due. This poem was partly inspired by the prompt, of course, but also inspired by a line from the song She's Come Undone by The Guess Who, which pretty much sums up the way I've felt about things for most of my life.

I know that some people get comfort from religion and I'm not saying they can't. However, I never have. Religion never did anything except make me feel worse about how flawed I am. 

Further, people tend to conflate religion and spirituality. A lot of the time, I believe that there is a higher power and that the soul continues following the death of the body. I believe in the possibility of reincarnation. I don't need to believe in any specific deity or dogma to hold the aforementioned beliefs. 

The Norwegian black metal musician Gaahl said that God is not in some building, God is in nature and God is in each of us. I wish we would extend kindness to one another's souls rather than being hateful to one another for our external differences.

Sometimes I reckon I'm just fucked and there is nothing but a life of pain followed by nothing. That possibility just makes me feel worse, so I try not to entertain it for too long.

Too many mountains, and not enough stairs to climb
Too many churches and not enough truth
Too many people and not enough eyes to see
Too many lives to lead and not enough time

 It's too late
She's gone too far
She's lost the sun

She's come undone

November PAD Chapbook Challenge 2019: Day 28: Grateful

Image by Matthias Cooper from Pixabay

grateful for what's here

a town far from everything

life in an old house

impossible dreams fade out

bittersweet acceptance in

~Cie~

Notes:

Today's November PAD Chapbook Challenge prompt asked for a Gratitude poem.

People, you know me. I am not the sort to write heartwarming, Chicken Soup for the Soul, grateful for God and family and Better Homes and Gardens type poetry. I am an agnostic curmudgeon, and the only miracle here is that I'm still alive. They ain't found a way to kill me yet, and neither have I. I believe there is something that survives the death of the corporeal body, and I believe there are advanced spiritual forces which could be termed higher powers. I don't like the Church God, and although I'm willing to judge his followers on a case by case basis, I tend to be mightily skeptical of them.

I was raised Catholic and am the black sheep of a family that tried way too hard to keep up appearances. Today is the ninth anniversary of my father's passing. Although we had a sometimes contentious relationship and he passed his own insecurities down to me, he was a devoted father and I love him. I am glad he isn't suffering anymore. The last five years of his life were increasingly difficult. In the end, he really wasn't himself anymore.

I want to call my mother today. My mother is a loyal person who is too wrapped up in keeping up appearances to see the damage that mindset does. She has no idea who I actually am or what I'm really doing because anytime I have tried to tell her, she shuts me down and criticizes me, so I just let her think what she wants.

My brother and I were once the greatest of friends but now have a civil but distant relationship. 

I love my son with all my heart and soul. There are some hurts from the past from when my mental illness was as yet undiagnosed and my behavior was chaotic.

Leonard Cohen wrote the line "It's Father's Day and everybody's wounded."

I think the same could be said for most holidays.

If you're having a Better Homes and Gardens Thanksgiving, that's great, and I hope you enjoy it. I would just ask that you realize that this is not the case for everyone, and those of us who are unable to have Shiny Happy Holidays are not bad people or just feeling sorry for ourselves for attention. The hurt is real.

Just to lighten the load a bit, here's one of my favorites:

OctPoWriMo 2019: Day 16: Harried to the Grave

Image by fancycrave1 from Pixabay

it does not matter

matter one measure if

if you measure your time

time on an Apple watch

watch your time on an old

old beat-up analog tick-tick 

tick-tick the sound

sound as time is running out

out of your wasting life

life where triumphs come

come slowly and don't seem

seem to stick around at all

all the while your life is wasting

wasting away fast as a wish

wish you would stop

stop giving away 

away all your me time

time to see time as

as a commodity time

time does not come free

free time does not align

align with being a successful

successful mess who never

never ever stops

stops to wind her old watch

watch time slip away 

away until one day 

day when there are

are no more days

days are numbered from the first

first moment you take a breath

breath that leads to death

death comes for us all

all of us must fall

fall back into the time

time when time didn't matter 

matter meant nothing

nothing meant anything

anything was possible

possible dreams

dreams become schemes

schemes become obsession

obsession consumes life

life becomes lie

lie down and die

die and become

become as you were before earth

earth before your birth 

birth

earth

~Cie~

Note:

I was always one of those "I'll sleep when I'm dead" kinds of people. I worked long hours at physically taxing jobs. I worked long weeks filled with long hours. I was proud of being able to push myself well past the limits. 

My diabetes got worse, I had a small stroke, and I had a severe injury to the median nerve in my left arm. My ability to work long hours at physically difficult jobs was gone forever. At the point when I had a small stroke, I was fired from my job as a home health nurse.

I live with fairly frequent suicide ideation, but the actual planning levels are pretty low as a rule. After I was fired, I started making plans to commit suicide because I felt like the world's worst fuck-up, like without my job I was nothing. 

This is not going to be one of those "oh, but I'm so glad I didn't because I found God, got down to a single-digit pants size, somehow started looking half my age, married GQ Cover Model Guy, and now my life is a Hallmark Channel movie" stories. 

Nah.

Still a crabby, fat, romanceless, agnostic, middle-aged, broke-ass curmudgeon. Still would be homeless if it wasn't for my son's kindness. 

But I am glad I didn't commit suicide because if I had I wouldn't have been able to help my son get this house, and I wouldn't have found me.

Me is kind of an asshole, but we're on better terms these days now that I've had the time to get to know her a little.

Also, I have a feeling that sometimes those Hallmark Channel happy crappy stories about pretty people hooking up and living happily ever after might even make some people depressed. Like, you know, me. I think some people may need to know that an old crabby fat bitch learned that old, crabby, fat bitches have something to offer too without changing one fucking thing about themselves.

OctPoWriMo 2019: Day 4: Gilded Cage

Image by cocoparisienne from Pixabay

A cage

Whether silver, gold, or platinum

Or wrought iron

Is still a cage

Do not follow

The edicts of charismatic cons

Do not strive to become

What others have told you that you must be

Do not wait on a messiah

Who may be centuries away

Or a boogeyman conjured

To keep people compliant

Only you can set you free

Do not let what advertisers tell you
You must be in order to be "beautiful"
Keep you locked away
Closed off from the world

Don't let the quest for silver and gold
Trap you in a crate of greed
Until your need for wealth
Becomes more a coffin than a birdcage

Only you can set you free

~Cie~

Song Inspiration:

Carpe Diem Acts of Devotion: Camina de Fatima

Image Source

little disciple

faith strong in a childlike heart

may it bring you joy

~Cie~

Notes:

I may be a misanthropic agnostic at this point in my life, but it wasn't always that way. As a child growing up in New Mexico, I was a devout Catholic. 

Two things pushed me away from the church: dogma and holier-than-thou blind-faith believers who dared neither question nor explore and condemned anyone who did.

Heeding Haiku with Chèvrefeuille: Summer Solstice

Image Source

At the beginning of the day on the summer solstice, I leave my body sleeping and walk in dreams to a place I will never see in life. I watch the sunrise through rocks mysteriously stacked long ago and wonder if it was possible that I was there in some form.

Do I have a connection to a time and place I could not possibly have known in my current reality, or do I merely wish that I was more important than I am? Did I once have wisdom and abilities forgotten by the passage of centuries and lifetimes, or am I merely a pathetic creature who wishes there was a possibility that I might not be as utterly hopeless and wretched as I appear?

There was a time when I believed in one God and a single savior. Then came the time that I believed in many deities and no specific savior. At this point, I neither believe nor disbelieve in any specific thing, except that I think the god postulated by most organized religious institutions is a construct created to give adherents carte blanche to behave cruelly.

is there someone there

a powerful entity

or are we alone?

~Cie~

Note:

It is not my intent to belittle anyone's faith. The thoughts I express are mine and mine alone. I neither believe nor disbelieve in any particular deity or set of deities, including the Christian god. My final paragraph is a criticism of the sorts of people who use their religion to behave as intolerant bigots and to cause harm to those who do not adhere to their dogma and edicts.