Rituals

 

In Holy Smoke by Chinh Le Duc

I miss my rituals

though I am unsure

they amounted to anything.

I miss having something to believe in

but I can't accept

rigid dogma

notes

Today's Haiga-esque creation was inspired by the following prompt.

https://experiencewriting.com/2023/10/02/oct-2-prompts-what-are-your-creative-rituals/

I'm not following these prompts to the letter. You can if you wish, but I'm not up to it. 

Text art and effects were added to the base image using Pixlr. You are welcome to share my Haiga thing, but please credit Cara Hartley/Ornery Owl if you do. A link back to this blog would also be nice.

Most of the time I let my poetry speak for itself, but sometimes I've got to pop off. This is one of those times.

You're welcome to believe, not believe, or not be sure of what you believe. I have no interest in making others be or think like me. We have all experienced different things both in this life and potentially whatever lives we had before. You are not me and I am not you.

I wouldn't wish some of the things I've gone through on my worst enemy. I understand that other people's experiences may not have been as contentious so they may not get where I'm coming from. I don't ask you to agree with me, I ask you to try and understand rather than attacking or arguing.

I'm not interested in debating you. If your beliefs serve you well, good on you. Don't try to convince me that I must believe as you do. I don't take well to proselytizing. Conversely, I'm also not keen for acerbic atheism. By this I mean I don't much care for those who mock anyone with spiritual beliefs.

I'm a devout agnostic. I've seen some shit, and most of the time I think there is something of ourselves that continues after the death of the body. I have no irrefutable proof of this, but the idea of absolute nothingness and the idea of a punitive paternal figure who sends anyone who doesn't worship him properly to eternal hell are both incredibly depressing. Since moderate depression is my baseline state, I find it's better if I have something to sort of believe in, and it's best if that thing isn't a sadistic parental figure.

I was a devout Catholic until I turned 18. After that, I fell into New Age philosophy for about 25 years. I found no peace there because I discovered that New Ageism holds to the same old my way or the highway philosophy as other major religions, it just puts an esoteric spin on the dogma. 

During my New Age phase, I spent thousands of dollars to end up feeling worse about myself. The movement is rife with toxic positivity and victim blaming. New Ageism is poison for anyone with a history of trauma as well as for those living with chronic health issues. 

New Age thinking postulates that people bring all their problems on themselves by sending out the wrong energy or not believing in themselves enough. This is just prosperity gospel repackaged. Prosperity gospel preaches that bad things happen to people who don't pray the right way or tithe enough of their earnings to their local megachurch, Joel Osteen, or whoever the latest shiny veneered grinning face of prosperity gospel may be.

I recommend following @JoelDongsteen on Twitter--excuse me, X. At least you'll get a good laugh during this lifetime, and the joviality you feel may even follow you into the afterlife.

~Ornery Owl Has Spoken~

Image by Oberholster Venita from Pixabay

Mostly Grateful

 

Base photo by Yours Truly

amazed I'm still here

loneliness and chronic pain

mostly feel grateful

notes

This Haiga was inspired by an older prompt from the Carpe Diem Haiku site.

https://chevrefeuillescarpediem.blogspot.com/2012/10/carpe-diem-preview-3.html

The photo in the base image was taken by me, probably in 2021. My iPhone died in July 2020 and I got a Samsung Galaxy 10, which had a better camera but was a really shitty device. I replaced it with my current Galaxy 21 at the end of 2021, which is a much better device.

Anyway, both the base image and the altered image are my work. If you wish to use the base image or share the Haiga, feel free to do so, but please credit Cara Hartley/Ornery Owl. A link back to this blog would also be appreciated.

I prefer to let my Haiga speak for themselves, but I want to make it clear that I'm not engaging in toxic positivity when I mention being mostly grateful. I used to wonder why those "have an attitude of gratitude" mantras just made me feel worse about things. The reason is because that approach makes a person feel bad for not feeling good.

I don't feel good all the time. Some days are better than others, but it would be a stretch to say I ever feel good. I'm fortunate that my pain levels are mild to moderate. After injuring the median nerve in my left arm at the end of 2017, I endured six weeks of chronic severe pain. 

The only way I could obtain relief was by lying on the arm to make the nerve go to sleep. I couldn't sit up for more than 45 minutes before the pain became intolerable. It was hard to think clearly. The only reason I didn't seriously consider taking myself out was because I was hopeful that physical therapy would help. 

It would have helped sooner if I hadn't had to wait three weeks for Medicaid to kick in. I make no apologies for believing the United States needs a Medicaid/Medicare For All system. There have been many times in my life when I went without care because I couldn't afford it.

My default is chronic widespread mild to moderate pain, which I suppose is connected to my dysfunctional endocrine system because it started after my thyroid decided to immolate itself when I was in my early teens. People with chronic low-grade pain tend to feel tired all the time. NSAIDs don't touch this kind of pain and opiates would be overkill. I get some relief from CBD oil.

What I mean when I say I'm mostly grateful to still be here is I was extremely self-destructive when I was younger because I truly thought I was the most fatally flawed fuckup ever to exist, courtesy of complex PTSD. I spent most of my life feeling this way. Not to put too fine a point on it, but fuck everyone who contributed to my feeling this way. Fuck all of you sideways. I didn't deserve what you did to me. I'll never understand why you did it.

I'm mostly grateful to still be here because I still have a lot of shit left to do. If nothing else, I feel it's my sworn duty to my fellow freaks to stick around and piss off the pretty people with shitty attitudes who think it's fun to use those of us who are socially awkward and/or not conventionally attractive as their punching bags.

 Also, fuck you to every guy out there who ever dared one of his friends to get with the "ugly girl" or who took his friend up on such a dare. I've never trusted any asshole who told me I was "pretty." I always knew they were up to something, and I don't mean they wanted to get into something good. None of these guys thought I was any good. I know for a fact they were no good.

I'm not grateful to the god of any church for saving me. I ceased being a theist years ago. I'm an agnostic deist. I believe in at least the possibility of a higher power. I don't believe it involves itself with earthly affairs. 

If this higher power was responsible for spawning my soul, sometimes I'm grateful for that. Other times I wish it had gotten distracted by a squirrel or a supernova or whatever might distract a cosmic force and forgotten it was going to create me. Then again, that's probably why I'm half-baked. The creator got distracted and forgot to add some necessary components that would have made me more palatable to my fellow travelers on this planet.

Then again, I think most people suck and I'm glad I'm not like them. A lot of people look for any excuse to be nasty in order to make themselves feel superior.

So, yeah, mostly I'm grateful to still be here despite my many attempts to slowly (or quickly) kill myself with risky behaviors and substance abuse, but some days are better than others. Sometimes I wish an asteroid would hit me and sometimes when I wake up I wish I hadn't. 

I'm not done telling my stories yet, so, mostly I'm grateful to be here. Even though I'm broken, I'm lonely and misunderstood, and I'm in pain most of the time. Actually, I'm in pain all the time but sometimes I'm not as aware of it.

This is my reality and my life. I don't apologize for it.

Also, fuck toxic positivity. It's a damn pack of lies.

Ornery Owl Has Fucking Spoken

Image by Ria Sopala from Pixabay

Let your old pal Ornery Owl tell y'all a little story, Kiddies.

https://odysee.com/@deepprogresivehouse:4/432Hz-Lounge--Downbeat-Music-Mix-By-Sinan-Mercenk:8?r=GTwnGJ4fFBQfzuJgpHVpfKBKaC9b8B16