April PAD Challenge + NaPoWriMo 2024: Day 18

 

Image by John Hain from Pixabay

This one reminds me of the Public Enemy logo. They remain one of my favorite rap bands of all time. They call things like they see them and don't hold back from speaking up about difficult issues.

I created another Haibun today. I try to address in only 100 words the fact that I've never liked being me. 

https://www.writersdigest.com/write-better-poetry/2024-april-pad-challenge-day-18

Today's April PAD Challenge prompt called for a pessimistic poem. I think my poem is more realistic than pessimistic because I never state that there's no hope. I simply state that I have never liked myself.

https://www.napowrimo.net/day-eighteen-10/

The NaPoWriMo prompt asks participants to write a poem about wanting to be someone or something else. I always wanted to be any number of wonderful characters or the actress who played the character. I later learned that many of these actresses had very difficult lives.

https://chevrefeuillescarpediem.blogspot.com/2012/11/carpe-diem-58-indian-summer-koharu.html

I used this prompt to inspire the Haiku portion of the Haibun. In this case, I think it's easy to see the relation between the prose and the Haiku, although the correlation may only be easy in my mind. The Haiku expresses a hopefulness that never transpired into reality. I always thought one day the other kids would lose interest in bullying me and then I'd at the very least be left alone.

I read once that wanting to be famous is a sign that you were traumatized. This makes perfect sense to me. 

~Ornery Owl Has Spoken~

Image by Laura from Pixabay

As an owlet, I always preferred to sit in the back of the class.

https://odysee.com/@GamingAmbience:6/destiny-2-the-dreaming-city-aphelion%27s:f?r=GTwnGJ4fFBQfzuJgpHVpfKBKaC9b8B16

A Rumpled Thing Left Out to Dry

 

Image by Kranich17 from Pixabay

and now, introducing me

when you look at this rumpled old thing

just what is it that you see?

I've spent an entire lifetime

trying to iron myself out

and I claim that I'm almost there

but the truth be told

I feel like I was left 

for too long in the spin cycle

I try to tumble dry

the tears from my eyes

as I realize

that I still haven't managed

to warm up to myself

I emerge from each battle with me 

dizzy and covered in dryer fuzz

although I have a big body

I mostly feel mighty small

I know people don't care for bulky me

the way they do for silky bits of finery

folks think it's perfectly acceptable

to snub those who look like me

they tell me I'm carrying too big a front load

and I have too much junk in my trunk

when I try to think about me neutrally

I know that I have a good quality or two

I'm an easygoing cuss

a wash and wear kind of gal

I'm definitely not one of your fine delicates

one of those dainty damsels 

that dashing heroes like to pick up

like a lace hanky dropped on the floor

ladies whose unlined faces

appear to be permanent press

so long as you machine wash warm

and dry flat

but as these downy chicks

tumbled by life's tide

become wrinkled 

they are folded up and put aside

it isn't that the fellows

won't take a tumble with me

it's just that they think of gals like me

as a pre-soak

a warm-up for the dainty delicates

that they drape from their muscular arms

to accessorize their designer suits

when they go out on the town

a pretty little accessory

that they can fluff and fold

and tuck away in a drawer

until they're ready to use her again

I decided to rinse my hands of men

who cycle through women's lives

with all the tenderness of a tropical storm

I don't want to be kept

hanging on the line

with clothespins or lies

waiting for the prairie wind to dry my tears

~cie~

Prompts 

April PAD Challenge

Countdown Day 2: Write an "almost" poem.

https://www.writersdigest.com/write-better-poetry/2021-april-pad-challenge-countdown-t-minus-2

Countdown Day 1: Write a warm-up poem.

https://www.writersdigest.com/write-better-poetry/2021-april-pad-challenge-countdown-t-minus-1

PAD Challenge Day 1: Write an introduction poem

https://www.writersdigest.com/write-better-poetry/2021-april-pad-challenge-day-1

D'verse Poets

https://dversepoets.com/2021/03/30/poetics-put-your-words-on-spin-cycle/

D'verse Words

fluff & fold

spin cycle 

permanent press 

wash & wear

cycle 

dryer fuzz 

machine wash warm 

tumble dry 

dry flat 

presoak 

wrinkled 

front load

rinse 

fine delicates 

clothes pins

downy

tide 

NaPoWriMo

Day 1: See the world in a new way

https://www.napowrimo.net/day-one-3/

I did not expect to metaphorically be comparing myself to laundry, but here we are.

The Icky, Sticky, Nit-Picky Legalese If You Please (Or Don't Please)

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The Plain Truth

 

Image by Lucija Rasonja from Pixabay

I feel an all too familiar pain in my soul

As I look out through foggy glass surrounded by weathered pane

And realize that I will never be on top of anything

Not even if I take a plane to the stars

It is plain to me that my most troubled relationship

Has always been the one that I have with myself

~cie~

https://mindlovemiserysmenagerie.wordpress.com/2021/03/06/double-take-saturday-mix-6-march-2021/

https://www.writersdigest.com/write-better-poetry/wednesday-poetry-prompts-561

Write a "top" poem

https://poetsandstorytellersunited.blogspot.com/2021/03/weekly-scribblings-60-troubled.html

Write about a troubled relationship

This poem was posted to these places:

http://fishypoets.blogspot.com

http://poetryofthenetherworld.blogspot.com

https://lbry.tv/@poetryofthenetherworld:9

The Icky, Sticky, Nit-Picky Legalese If You Please (Or Don't Please)

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Reblogging is acceptable on platforms that allow it. LBRY’s reblog function is called repost, which makes things confusing since reposting is considered a no-no on most platforms. It’s fine to share the post using the repost function on LBRY. It is not okay to copy-paste the material into a new post.

Sharing a link to the post is acceptable.

Quoting portions of the post for educational or review purposes is acceptable if proper credit is given.

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Carpe Diem Love Month: The Day After Valentine's Day: Aftermath Most Despised

copyright Viktor Forbacs

on the day after

a terrible thing was born

broken from the start

it should have been tossed away

why was it allowed to stay

~cie~

notes

I was born the day after Valentine's Day 1965 at 6 of the morning in the middle of a raging blizzard. My life has never been easy and I can't ever remember a time when I didn't think I was bad or wrong. That is what this depressing Tanka is about.

It's kind of sad that I have to say this, but here are the kinds of comments that I don't want to receive for this poem.

"You should consider counseling."

Been there, done that. Some of them were kind of helpful, others were just pill-pushers. It took nearly 40 years for any of them to correctly diagnose my type 2 bipolar disorder. In fairness, type 2 bipolar disorder is a sneaky bitch because it presents with hypomania rather than full mania, so it can be difficult to spot. It's rather like a black and white horse hiding in a herd of zebras.

Also, back in the 1970s and 1980s when I was a troubled teenager, bipolar disorder was called manic depression, and it was considered a psychosis. As my high school psychology teacher said to me when I told her that I saw a lot of aspects of manic depression in myself:

"Honey, manic depression is a psychosis. You're not psychotic. You're just depressed and having a hard time being a teenager."

This well-meaning but ultimately incorrect lady probably just thought I was an angsty Goth girl who read too much Sylvia Plath and melodramatically attributed Sylvia's melancholy poetry to her own overdramatic teenage struggles. In fact, I did see a lot of myself in Sylvia Plath's poetry and I tend to get pissed off at people who chortle knowingly about silly drama queen girls relating to her poetry.

Sylvia Plath and I both had bipolar disorder, and perhaps if a teenage girl is relating to Sylvia Plath's poetry, maybe she's not just a wannabe Goth drama queen, maybe her life sucks and she's depressed or possibly has bipolar disorder. I would love it if society would stop writing off teenage girls' feelings as so much overdramatic frippery.

Also, disabled, on Medicaid, and live an average of 50 miles from the nearest city. I already have to go get P.T. once a week. Not interested in another weekly appointment.

"You should consider medications/get your medications adjusted."

I've been on this planet for 55 years. I've been dealing with mental (and physical) illness for most if not all of them. Do you really think I've never heard this before? Also, for some of us, the "cure" is worse than the problem. I can't tolerate most psych meds.

Further, I have complex PTSD from years of psychological (and sometimes physical and/or sexual) abuse by my peers and "well-meaning" people who wanted to "fix" me. Don't try to "fix" me. 

I already have a chemical cocktail that I have to down every day for all my physical problems, plus I have to poke myself with needles multiple times a day. For those who are wincing about the thought of poking themselves with needles, well, you're lucky if you don't have to, but this aspect of my disease is the least of my problems. I usually don't even feel the needle unless I come at myself from a bad angle. Even when that happens, it's a very minor pain. The needles aren't a big deal. The things the disease can do to my body if I don't use the needles are.

So, yeah. Don't talk to me about meds.

"Wow, this is really depressing. You should try to write about happier stuff."

I write three kinds of poetry: dark, silly, and snarky. Poetry is a way for me to express the deep, inner pain. I am under no obligation to pretty up my poetry because it might make some people uncomfortable.

"Trust that God has a plan for you."

I'm an agnostic. I respect your beliefs. Please respect my lack thereof.

I was a devout Catholic in my youth. However, because I was somewhat unorthodox in my beliefs and was tolerant of those who didn't believe and of homosexuals, I was ostracized and threatened with hell. Even at that, my fellow Catholics were nowhere near as dreadful as the town Fundies. Also, they weren't stupid enough to burn heavy metal records. When that just created a cloud of toxic smoke, I had to laugh. These idiots weren't being countered by any demon, they were just being confronted by their own stupidity.

I'm one of those people who believes that there is a higher power and maybe even personified higher powers. In the interest of brevity, I'll let someone far wiser say it for me.

"Life's hard for everyone. Quit whining about your problems and do something about it."

I do as much as I can every day that I can. I know that life is hard for other people. I'm not talking about other people. I'm only talking about me.

All in all, there is really just one thing to remember.

Crazy Creatives Cheerleading Camp + Inner Champion Workbook Day 5: Taking the First Step

Disclosure: If readers purchase a copy of the book through the Preview link above, I earn a small commission from Amazon.

An important goal that I’m going to achieve:

Publishing my own writing--again.

Why this goal is important to me:

It has been important to me for many years. To be honest, writing is the only thing I really know how to do, regardless of whether I do it well or not.

What has been preventing me from taking the first step?

I have published my own works before, in 2007 and 2009. It was a bad experience. I used a POD publisher who ended up with a lot of my money and I ended up with nothing to show for it but a couple of boxes of unsold books. I also ended up meeting some people who were really not good for me. My association with them very nearly pushed me to stop writing for good. There are still some areas of my life that never completely recovered from the experiences I had with these people.

How can I remove these obstacles or work around them?

I prefer to self-publish. I don't want to go the "paper my walls with rejection letters" route. For me, it's a huge waste of time. I'm not going for being The Next Big Thing. I just want to publish my work. So I am doing so, via Kindle. I can format the books myself. 

In the future, I will also not allow other people's opinions to get under my skin and destroy me, and I will be very careful about the kinds of people I allow to get close to me. I discovered that overenthusiastic "fans" tend to have problems that render them toxic and destructive, particularly to a sensitive person who has low self-esteem and a high desire to be liked. In the future, I will address any "fans" in a polite but cool fashion rather than seeming too available and/or needy.

The first step I am going to take toward achieving my goal:

I'm already taking it. I am working on a manuscript for a novella to be published in e-book form in early 2020. I submitted a poetry manuscript to one organization and am preparing another poetry manuscript to be submitted to Writers' Digest early next year. The poems I will use are the winners in my ongoing Battle of the Poems. I wrote 30 and had to narrow it down to 20, so I created what I thought was a fun competition. I appreciate everyone who participated and, hopefully, will have more participants in future Battles.

I am also working on the manuscript for an illustrated story in poetic form. I wrote the verses. The illustrations are being done by the Mexican Chibi artist Kamidiox. Kami's commission fees are very affordable. Check out her work and contact her if you'd like her to do a piece for you. Tell her Cie sent you!

For support and accountability, I am going to share my goal with:

My son and a couple of trusted friends (including Kami, who I mentioned above) know about my goals. I tend to not want to bother other people with my crap, so sometimes I keep things between me and the Universe. I'm still learning to open up a bit while also protecting myself. Everything is a balancing act.

Free use image from Pixabay

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November PAD Chapbook Challenge 2019: Day 28: Grateful

Image by Matthias Cooper from Pixabay

grateful for what's here

a town far from everything

life in an old house

impossible dreams fade out

bittersweet acceptance in

~Cie~

Notes:

Today's November PAD Chapbook Challenge prompt asked for a Gratitude poem.

People, you know me. I am not the sort to write heartwarming, Chicken Soup for the Soul, grateful for God and family and Better Homes and Gardens type poetry. I am an agnostic curmudgeon, and the only miracle here is that I'm still alive. They ain't found a way to kill me yet, and neither have I. I believe there is something that survives the death of the corporeal body, and I believe there are advanced spiritual forces which could be termed higher powers. I don't like the Church God, and although I'm willing to judge his followers on a case by case basis, I tend to be mightily skeptical of them.

I was raised Catholic and am the black sheep of a family that tried way too hard to keep up appearances. Today is the ninth anniversary of my father's passing. Although we had a sometimes contentious relationship and he passed his own insecurities down to me, he was a devoted father and I love him. I am glad he isn't suffering anymore. The last five years of his life were increasingly difficult. In the end, he really wasn't himself anymore.

I want to call my mother today. My mother is a loyal person who is too wrapped up in keeping up appearances to see the damage that mindset does. She has no idea who I actually am or what I'm really doing because anytime I have tried to tell her, she shuts me down and criticizes me, so I just let her think what she wants.

My brother and I were once the greatest of friends but now have a civil but distant relationship. 

I love my son with all my heart and soul. There are some hurts from the past from when my mental illness was as yet undiagnosed and my behavior was chaotic.

Leonard Cohen wrote the line "It's Father's Day and everybody's wounded."

I think the same could be said for most holidays.

If you're having a Better Homes and Gardens Thanksgiving, that's great, and I hope you enjoy it. I would just ask that you realize that this is not the case for everyone, and those of us who are unable to have Shiny Happy Holidays are not bad people or just feeling sorry for ourselves for attention. The hurt is real.

Just to lighten the load a bit, here's one of my favorites:

Sandcastle Creations

Image by Marjon Besteman-Horn from Pixabay

I remember playing in the sandbox as a child

Hands digging into warm orange-golden grains

My sandcastles were, in reality

Nothing but cloddish bucket shapes

But, languishing in my imagination

I saw them as wondrous perpendicular spires

Climbing up and up to dizzy heights

Where a virtuous knight played out his heroic role

In the theatre of my mind

I couldn’t have imagined then

How pedestrian my life would become

No longer able to earn a stable income

I sit before the computer’s typewriter keyboard

Praying that the laconic moments

Will be few and far between

As I attempt to form a story

Of a dashing but broken hero

Through the curtains I see shadows of branches

~Cie~

Notes:

I chose the picture because from the back, at any rate, this is very much what I looked like as a child. There is no way I could have known what would become of me or my life. If that little girl had known what kind of worthless and hideously ugly creature she would become, she wouldn't have wanted to live.

I didn't stay cute for long. Even around six years old, it was becoming apparent that I had a terrible overbite. Two years of braces and that dreadful Martian headgear left me with a crossbite, which doesn't play a part in my appearance, but it is uncomfortable. It also left me with dead nerves in a couple of my front teeth and it couldn't close the gaps between my teeth. I ended up having to get an abscess removed, root canals, and caps on my six top front teeth to hide the remaining gaps and the fact that my left front tooth and left incisor are black from the nerve damage.

Dental veneers can hide how ugly my top front teeth are, but nothing can hide how ugly my face is as a whole, unfortunately. I am not at all a good-looking person, and in a world that is biassed towards a certain type of beauty, it has hurt me very much to be as ugly as I am.