Learning

 

Image by Jackson David on Unsplash

trying to refresh

my relationship with me

learning not to hate

notes

https://www.writersdigest.com/write-better-poetry/2023-november-pad-chapbook-challenge-day-17

Write a refresh poem.

https://chevrefeuillescarpediem.blogspot.com/2012/11/carpe-diem-47-relationship.html

Prompt word: Relationship

I added text art and effects to the base image using Pixlr. You are welcome to share the Haiga, but please credit Cara Hartley/Ornery Owl if you do. A link back to this blog is also appreciated.

Psychological abuse including bullying has impacts that can last a lifetime. Some of the physical issues I am finally addressing were triggered by the constant stress I endured as a target of psychological abuse starting in childhood. 

You can't just command a person to be happy and love themselves. Working through these issues isn't easy.

~Ornery Owl Has Spoken~

Image by Christine Cuisinez from Pixabay

Ornery Owl is anticipating Christmas. Or at least snow.

Get this encouraging Haiga as a beautiful poster at Ornery Owl's Underground!

https://www.zazzle.com/refresh_poster-256655134222644896

Stalk our store to find out about new products!

https://www.zazzle.com/store/ornery_owls_place

https://odysee.com/@PeaceofMind:9/dark-autumn-music-haunted-fall-village:b?r=GTwnGJ4fFBQfzuJgpHVpfKBKaC9b8B16

Hidden

 

Image by Jenny Friedrichs from Pixabay

taught from a young age

that I was wrong

and stupid

ridiculous

the butt

of the joke

throat clenching

trying to keep from screaming

shame on everyone

who made me

what I am

ashamed

to be

me

notes

I added effects to the base image using Pixlr.

https://experiencewriting.com/2023/10/19/oct-19-prompts-screams-in-the-night/

Body Horror: Write a poem about the thing or things that scare you about the human body.

This could be a fun day to do a spoken poem. 

Hahahaha! Fun, you say? I think fucking not.

It's very rare for me to do a spoken poem. I don't like my voice, which has been ridiculed for most of my life.

I'm currently doing speech therapy. Not to change the sound of my voice but to correct vocal cord dysfunction. With vocal cord dysfunction, the vocal cords close on inspiration rather than opening. It's often misdiagnosed as asthma. Trust me, it makes having dental procedures a lot of fun--so not.

One of the primary causes of vocal cord dysfunction is anxiety. Like in people with complex PTSD. In other words, people with a history of relentless abuse.

I learned at a young age that I needed to keep quiet lest I be smacked for saying something stupid or ridiculed for having a peculiar voice. 

The knot of tears around my throat crystallized into my design. 

~Ornery Owl Has Spoken~

Image by Beate from Pixabay

https://odysee.com/@GamingAmbience:6/destiny-2-edz-firebase-hades-%28unreleased:9?r=GTwnGJ4fFBQfzuJgpHVpfKBKaC9b8B16

Childhood Memories

 

Image by John Hain from Pixabay

childhood memories

not always bright and sunny

for some, endless hell

notes

Today's Senryu was inspired by a prompt from Carpe Diem Haiku.

https://chevrefeuillescarpediem.blogspot.com/2012/10/carpe-diem-27-childhood.html

Text art was added to the base image using Pixlr. You are welcome to share the Haiga, but please credit Cara Hartley/Ornery Owl if you do. A link back to this blog would also be appreciated.

I have made many aborted attempts over the years to write about the things that happened to me when I was young and how complex PTSD has affected my life. The fact is, it's difficult for me to write about these things in more than fragmented pieces such as this Haiga. I would like to tell my story on the chance that it might help someone else to hear it, but on the other hand, it's very hard for me to talk about it. 

I will say this much. I am the end result of years of bullying and abuse. If you are one of those people who thinks shaming and belittling will force anyone to become what you think they should be, you're wrong. 

A person who has been bullied and abused (same thing, really) may end up being a driven, type A personality. They may end up becoming successful. The things that drive them will, nonetheless, be destructive. Things such as a desire for revenge, a desire to prove those who abused them wrong, a desire to escape the pain of the past. Nobody escapes repeated mistreatment unscathed.

People with C-PTSD often have difficulty forming lasting relationships because we have difficulty trusting. I generally only form very superficial relationships with other people. I don't like to open up to people or become attached to them, because I expect them to betray me. 

I tend to come off as prickly and unfriendly. The truth is, I'm protecting myself. That being said, if you're an asshole to me, you can anticipate my being an asshole to you. My days of being a doormat are long behind me and I really don't care if anyone likes me or not. It might be nice if someone did, but I don't expect it. 

So, there's a slice of me. It's an acquired taste that most people don't tend to acquire. One person referred to me as flinty. I think that's reasonably accurate.

Ornery Owl is letting Honey Badger fill in on this one.

Mostly Grateful

 

Base photo by Yours Truly

amazed I'm still here

loneliness and chronic pain

mostly feel grateful

notes

This Haiga was inspired by an older prompt from the Carpe Diem Haiku site.

https://chevrefeuillescarpediem.blogspot.com/2012/10/carpe-diem-preview-3.html

The photo in the base image was taken by me, probably in 2021. My iPhone died in July 2020 and I got a Samsung Galaxy 10, which had a better camera but was a really shitty device. I replaced it with my current Galaxy 21 at the end of 2021, which is a much better device.

Anyway, both the base image and the altered image are my work. If you wish to use the base image or share the Haiga, feel free to do so, but please credit Cara Hartley/Ornery Owl. A link back to this blog would also be appreciated.

I prefer to let my Haiga speak for themselves, but I want to make it clear that I'm not engaging in toxic positivity when I mention being mostly grateful. I used to wonder why those "have an attitude of gratitude" mantras just made me feel worse about things. The reason is because that approach makes a person feel bad for not feeling good.

I don't feel good all the time. Some days are better than others, but it would be a stretch to say I ever feel good. I'm fortunate that my pain levels are mild to moderate. After injuring the median nerve in my left arm at the end of 2017, I endured six weeks of chronic severe pain. 

The only way I could obtain relief was by lying on the arm to make the nerve go to sleep. I couldn't sit up for more than 45 minutes before the pain became intolerable. It was hard to think clearly. The only reason I didn't seriously consider taking myself out was because I was hopeful that physical therapy would help. 

It would have helped sooner if I hadn't had to wait three weeks for Medicaid to kick in. I make no apologies for believing the United States needs a Medicaid/Medicare For All system. There have been many times in my life when I went without care because I couldn't afford it.

My default is chronic widespread mild to moderate pain, which I suppose is connected to my dysfunctional endocrine system because it started after my thyroid decided to immolate itself when I was in my early teens. People with chronic low-grade pain tend to feel tired all the time. NSAIDs don't touch this kind of pain and opiates would be overkill. I get some relief from CBD oil.

What I mean when I say I'm mostly grateful to still be here is I was extremely self-destructive when I was younger because I truly thought I was the most fatally flawed fuckup ever to exist, courtesy of complex PTSD. I spent most of my life feeling this way. Not to put too fine a point on it, but fuck everyone who contributed to my feeling this way. Fuck all of you sideways. I didn't deserve what you did to me. I'll never understand why you did it.

I'm mostly grateful to still be here because I still have a lot of shit left to do. If nothing else, I feel it's my sworn duty to my fellow freaks to stick around and piss off the pretty people with shitty attitudes who think it's fun to use those of us who are socially awkward and/or not conventionally attractive as their punching bags.

 Also, fuck you to every guy out there who ever dared one of his friends to get with the "ugly girl" or who took his friend up on such a dare. I've never trusted any asshole who told me I was "pretty." I always knew they were up to something, and I don't mean they wanted to get into something good. None of these guys thought I was any good. I know for a fact they were no good.

I'm not grateful to the god of any church for saving me. I ceased being a theist years ago. I'm an agnostic deist. I believe in at least the possibility of a higher power. I don't believe it involves itself with earthly affairs. 

If this higher power was responsible for spawning my soul, sometimes I'm grateful for that. Other times I wish it had gotten distracted by a squirrel or a supernova or whatever might distract a cosmic force and forgotten it was going to create me. Then again, that's probably why I'm half-baked. The creator got distracted and forgot to add some necessary components that would have made me more palatable to my fellow travelers on this planet.

Then again, I think most people suck and I'm glad I'm not like them. A lot of people look for any excuse to be nasty in order to make themselves feel superior.

So, yeah, mostly I'm grateful to still be here despite my many attempts to slowly (or quickly) kill myself with risky behaviors and substance abuse, but some days are better than others. Sometimes I wish an asteroid would hit me and sometimes when I wake up I wish I hadn't. 

I'm not done telling my stories yet, so, mostly I'm grateful to be here. Even though I'm broken, I'm lonely and misunderstood, and I'm in pain most of the time. Actually, I'm in pain all the time but sometimes I'm not as aware of it.

This is my reality and my life. I don't apologize for it.

Also, fuck toxic positivity. It's a damn pack of lies.

Ornery Owl Has Fucking Spoken

Image by Ria Sopala from Pixabay

Let your old pal Ornery Owl tell y'all a little story, Kiddies.

https://odysee.com/@deepprogresivehouse:4/432Hz-Lounge--Downbeat-Music-Mix-By-Sinan-Mercenk:8?r=GTwnGJ4fFBQfzuJgpHVpfKBKaC9b8B16