Learning

 

Image by Jackson David on Unsplash

trying to refresh

my relationship with me

learning not to hate

notes

https://www.writersdigest.com/write-better-poetry/2023-november-pad-chapbook-challenge-day-17

Write a refresh poem.

https://chevrefeuillescarpediem.blogspot.com/2012/11/carpe-diem-47-relationship.html

Prompt word: Relationship

I added text art and effects to the base image using Pixlr. You are welcome to share the Haiga, but please credit Cara Hartley/Ornery Owl if you do. A link back to this blog is also appreciated.

Psychological abuse including bullying has impacts that can last a lifetime. Some of the physical issues I am finally addressing were triggered by the constant stress I endured as a target of psychological abuse starting in childhood. 

You can't just command a person to be happy and love themselves. Working through these issues isn't easy.

~Ornery Owl Has Spoken~

Image by Christine Cuisinez from Pixabay

Ornery Owl is anticipating Christmas. Or at least snow.

Get this encouraging Haiga as a beautiful poster at Ornery Owl's Underground!

https://www.zazzle.com/refresh_poster-256655134222644896

Stalk our store to find out about new products!

https://www.zazzle.com/store/ornery_owls_place

https://odysee.com/@PeaceofMind:9/dark-autumn-music-haunted-fall-village:b?r=GTwnGJ4fFBQfzuJgpHVpfKBKaC9b8B16

Hidden

 

Image by Jenny Friedrichs from Pixabay

taught from a young age

that I was wrong

and stupid

ridiculous

the butt

of the joke

throat clenching

trying to keep from screaming

shame on everyone

who made me

what I am

ashamed

to be

me

notes

I added effects to the base image using Pixlr.

https://experiencewriting.com/2023/10/19/oct-19-prompts-screams-in-the-night/

Body Horror: Write a poem about the thing or things that scare you about the human body.

This could be a fun day to do a spoken poem. 

Hahahaha! Fun, you say? I think fucking not.

It's very rare for me to do a spoken poem. I don't like my voice, which has been ridiculed for most of my life.

I'm currently doing speech therapy. Not to change the sound of my voice but to correct vocal cord dysfunction. With vocal cord dysfunction, the vocal cords close on inspiration rather than opening. It's often misdiagnosed as asthma. Trust me, it makes having dental procedures a lot of fun--so not.

One of the primary causes of vocal cord dysfunction is anxiety. Like in people with complex PTSD. In other words, people with a history of relentless abuse.

I learned at a young age that I needed to keep quiet lest I be smacked for saying something stupid or ridiculed for having a peculiar voice. 

The knot of tears around my throat crystallized into my design. 

~Ornery Owl Has Spoken~

Image by Beate from Pixabay

https://odysee.com/@GamingAmbience:6/destiny-2-edz-firebase-hades-%28unreleased:9?r=GTwnGJ4fFBQfzuJgpHVpfKBKaC9b8B16

Childhood Memories

 

Image by John Hain from Pixabay

childhood memories

not always bright and sunny

for some, endless hell

notes

Today's Senryu was inspired by a prompt from Carpe Diem Haiku.

https://chevrefeuillescarpediem.blogspot.com/2012/10/carpe-diem-27-childhood.html

Text art was added to the base image using Pixlr. You are welcome to share the Haiga, but please credit Cara Hartley/Ornery Owl if you do. A link back to this blog would also be appreciated.

I have made many aborted attempts over the years to write about the things that happened to me when I was young and how complex PTSD has affected my life. The fact is, it's difficult for me to write about these things in more than fragmented pieces such as this Haiga. I would like to tell my story on the chance that it might help someone else to hear it, but on the other hand, it's very hard for me to talk about it. 

I will say this much. I am the end result of years of bullying and abuse. If you are one of those people who thinks shaming and belittling will force anyone to become what you think they should be, you're wrong. 

A person who has been bullied and abused (same thing, really) may end up being a driven, type A personality. They may end up becoming successful. The things that drive them will, nonetheless, be destructive. Things such as a desire for revenge, a desire to prove those who abused them wrong, a desire to escape the pain of the past. Nobody escapes repeated mistreatment unscathed.

People with C-PTSD often have difficulty forming lasting relationships because we have difficulty trusting. I generally only form very superficial relationships with other people. I don't like to open up to people or become attached to them, because I expect them to betray me. 

I tend to come off as prickly and unfriendly. The truth is, I'm protecting myself. That being said, if you're an asshole to me, you can anticipate my being an asshole to you. My days of being a doormat are long behind me and I really don't care if anyone likes me or not. It might be nice if someone did, but I don't expect it. 

So, there's a slice of me. It's an acquired taste that most people don't tend to acquire. One person referred to me as flinty. I think that's reasonably accurate.

Ornery Owl is letting Honey Badger fill in on this one.

NaPoWriMo 2020 Day 18 + April PAD Challenge 2020 Day 18: The Happiest Days of our Lives

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Saturdays of youth

a precarious respite

a week of struggle

hearing messages of hate

that stuck forever with me

~cie~

NaPoWriMo: Write an ode to Saturdays

April PAD Challenge: Write a message poem

It's time to stop behaving as if the scars on the inside are trivial.

NaPoWriMo 2020 Catch-Up Day 10 + April PAD Challenge 2020 Catch-Up Day 10: The Word That Destroys

you

say it's

just a word

but

it's a 

word that destroys

you

don't need

to say it

what

do you

gain from it

keep

your hateful

thoughts to yourself

just

maybe the

problem is you

~cie~

NaPoWriMo: Write a Hay(na)ku

April PAD Challenge: Write a the (blank) that (blanked) poem. 

Senryu: The Color Of...

Image by Enrique Meseguer from Pixabay

something unwanted

the color of blood on cloth

in the dark of night

~cie~

notes

I recently wrote about an event that happened closing in on 40 years ago that was more of a turning point than even I realized until I started writing about it. You can read the piece here.

Senryu: Two Hearts

Image by Goran Horvat from Pixabay

do hearts beat as one

does a broken soul get crushed

beneath brutal will

~cie~

Carpe Diem New Beginnings: Reincarnation Wave

shrouded memories

wash to the shore like a wave

lives unremembered

shrouded memories

creeping up from the dark past

preying on my mind

wash to the shore like a wave

I wish I could float away

forgetting this strife

lives unremembered

hiding in my troubled mind

preparing to spring

~cie~

notes

We were given two Haiku by Jane Reichhold (1937 - 2016) with which to create a "fusion-ku," and from there, to create a Troiku. Here are Jane's Haiku. My "sleigh" is a Senryu rather than a Haiku, but so it goes.

a huge wave

thundering across the beach

my birthday

sky-clad

the new-born comes wrapped

in previous lives

November PAD Chapbook Challenge 2019: Day 17 + Words for Wednesday: Bullying Hurts for a Lifetime

Image copyright Bill Dodds

Image Copyright Bill Dodds

strange child

playing by yourself again

how do you expect anyone to be your friend

when you're such a peculiar thing

too shy to look anyone in the eye

exploring alone on a Saturday

wishing the Lord your soul would take

sometime on Sunday night

before Monday rolls around

and you're back at school

with the pretty boys and girls 

who bully you mercilessly

after years of being taunted

your inquisitive spirit stagnates

lying dormant in the graveyard of your heart

as you attempt to pacify

your restless, wounded soul

with substances

and false love

and other lies you tell yourself

to get through another day

~Cie~

Notes:

The November PAD Chapbook Challenge prompt was to write a Health poem. So, I chose to write about how bullying impacted my mental health, not just in childhood but throughout my entire life. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me is horseshit. I have been both physically and psychologically abused. I would say that not all of the scars are visible, but given another thought, yes, they all are. 

A friend who is on the autism spectrum pointed out that there are a lot of people who say that they would never make fun of a person with autism. However, those same people will gladly make fun of a "weirdo" who doesn't "act normally." 

When I was bullied in school, my family would tell me that I needed to "stop being so weird" and then the other kids would accept me. I allowed people to do terrible things to me in the hopes of being accepted. 

If you have been bullied or abused, you are not the one to blame even though you are the one who carries the pain. 

I still feel like nobody hears me or will ever hear me. But I will never again let anyone use me as their punching bag or for their sick perversions. Abuse is not love.

Please do me a favor and don't tell me that you hope this poem isn't autobiographical. It is. It is my reality. It is my truth. 

I created the Words for Wednesday badge using Pixlr. 

OctPoWriMo 2019: Day 8: The Scent

Image by Artie_Navarre from Pixabay

he breathes the scent of me as he moves in

going for the kill, he can smell the sin

he thinks he knows I want what's on his mind

kills every little hope one at a time

he hates the wildness I hide inside 

he thinks it's a game when I try to hide

he gets a thrill watching my dying dreams

he loves listening to my helpless screams

he wants me to be his porcelain doll

to be his servant at his beck and call

I'd sooner live my days in poverty

than ever grant him ownership of me

~Cie~

Song Inspiration:

Rest in peace Scott Weiland

To every bastard who mentally, physically, or sexually abused and took advantage of my younger self with her low self-esteem who was so desperate to be loved, burn in hell.

These sorts of assholes seek vulnerable women to prey on. They are low-life predatory sadists. 

NaPoWriMo 2019: Day 4: Unwanted Girl

Image by lisa runnels from Pixabay

Will you ever leave

Me alone you damn

Stupid girl who I

Once happened to be

Why won't you be gone?

Why must you come

Back into my

Psyche why don't

You remain dead

Little girl

Zombie girl

Girl I was

Why don't 

You stay

Gone

~Cie~

Notes:

The NaPoWriMo prompt was to write a sad poem.

Come on, y'all, that isn't even a challenge! I write two kinds of poems: dark and silly.

The form I used is a diminishing hexagram.

I really wish I'd done the A to Z challenge on this blog this year because I'm crushing it!

Oh, one more thing.

The effects of abuse and bullying last a lifetime.

I learned to hate myself long ago.

I still have trouble tolerating myself, still hear the cruel words admonishing me that I'm ugly, stupid, unwanted, and will never amount to anything.

It isn't like I'm eighteen and just out of school.

I'm fifty-four and the setbacks I've had during the past few years only reinforce the belief that I am nothing.

OctPoWriMo 2018: Day 25: Receiver Of

Copyright Geralt

The door does

Not go both ways for me

In the past when the door would open

I would follow the advice of the well-meaning

People who would suggest that I should

Jump in and take the chance

And walk through

The door does

Not go both ways for me

If I go in, part of me does not

Return when I am thrown out the door like the trash

By men who want the old in and out

But they actually hate

Those they use

The door does

Not go both ways for me

Saying I should take a chance on "love"

Is the worst advice that anyone can give me

When I have taken chances, I have 

Only been abused, so

Not again

The door does

Not go both ways for me

I long ago grew very weary

Of giving but never receiving in return

Only receiving abuse for love

Do not suggest that I

Try again

~Cie~

Notes:

The Triquain, created by Shelley A. Cephas, is a poem with several creative variances and can be a rhyming or non-rhyming verse. The simplest form is a poem made up of 7 lines with 3, 6, 9, 12, 9, 6, and 3 syllables in this order. 

Yes, the poem is autobiographical. Please, please, please do not suggest that there is something "wrong" with me for not wanting to be involved in a romantic relationship. Please do not suggest that I need to "fix" myself so that I can "find love." That may be something you need or want. It is not something that I do. I have had more than enough of gaslighting by narcissistic predators posing as "nice guys" for one lifetime, thank you anyway.