STRONG TRIGGER WARNING FOR DISCUSSIONS OF EATING DISORDERS, SELF-HARM, AND SEXUAL ASSAULT
My Mind
Bipolar Disorder
Broken on the rocks of my own thoughts
Ill-prepared to face the world
Put down, pushed around
Ostracized
Left to my own devices
Abandoned
Reamed for my inability to navigate life successfully
Dreams never encouraged
Ignorant of the intent of others
Swimming against the current
Opening myself up to the wrong people
Realizing too late that they didn't really care
Dreaming in vain of better days
Escaping to realms of fantasy
Realizing too late that reality bites
~~~~~~~~~
Borderline Personaliity Disorder
Believing that a magical door must exist
Only to find that I didn't have the key
Realizing that I must be damned
Defying convention at every turn
Escaping my pain with substances
Raped by men I never should have trusted
Loving the wrong men too easily
Irritated at the slightest things
Never feeling that I belonged
Easily fooled by anyone using the word "love"
Plied effortlessly by false promises
Enjoying the attention of liars
Reveling in their empty words of praise
Stripped of any sense of self-worth
Only craving a modicum of acceptance
Never having an ounce of self-respect
Able to be a social butterfly as long as I was wasted
Loving misty, nebulous dreams
Intense and mercurial
Trying too hard to please
Yet never being able to please myself
Dreaming always of magical days
Intent on becoming a star
Seeking love in dark places
Opening myself up to malevolent men
Realizing too late that I was once again a fool
Dying inside every time I was pushed away
Escaping in dreams of love and glory
Realizing too late that even my dreams were lying
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
Obsession
Berating myself
Seeing problems everywhere
Encased in a shell of shame
Sometimes attempting to clean obsessively
Sometimes frozen in terror
Ignoring what is really important
Vast portions of my life tied up in knots
Eradicated by my possessions
Creating what appears to be chaos
Owned by the things in my life
Master of nothing
Prisoner of my own mind
Ugly feelings creep in
Leaving me tied up in knots
Sicker inside than I appear
Internalized messages of worthlessness
Viewing my own failure every day
Entertaining is not even an option
Dead inside my heart
Imagining one day I will be free
Sadly realizing that day
Only could be the day I die
Realizing too late it's not my fault
Doomed to try and fix what I put off too long
Every day a testament to my failure
Reaping the seeds of a poisoned crop I didn't plant
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
Pools of tears sometimes well up in my eyes
Originating in events past
Seemingly without reason now
Tears for something that happened years ago
Tears for the foolish, trusting self
Rape while inebriated, they say
Always the fault of the victim
Underneath the weight of his body
Making me helpless to stop him
Asking for it, they would say
Telling him no, no, no
Inebriated beyond ability to fight
Cold and sick as he declared "we're back together now"
Sick and shaken the next morning
Traumatized
Raped
Eager to put it behind me
Screaming inside
Shaking outside
Damaged beyond repair
Incapable of reaching out
Shame filled my very being
Obsessive thoughts controlled my mind
Realizing there was no-one I could tell
Damned because I'd been drunk
Erased because I'd let him in
Raped because I'd been so stupid
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Panic Disorder
Panic grips my soul
Anxiety crippling me
Never leaving me alone
Intense terror
Crushing the breath from me
Determined I could overcome
Insisting that it wasn't so bad
Shaming myself for being so weak
Ordering myself to be strong
Remembering what I wanted to forget
Damned to hour after hour of terror
Escape was impossible
Relaxation came only when every ounce of energy was spent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eating Disorder
Everything you eat turns to fat
Abominable fat
Terrible, horrible, awful fat
Intense self-loathing follows
Never satisfied
Gruesome vision in the mirror
Damn the lies of our society
Imbuing people with self-hate
Shaming certain body types
Obsession with thinness
Ruled by the scale
Dreaming of impossible beauty
Eating becomes a shameful act
Removing any sense of true worth
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Self-Injury
Stupid, stupid, stupid
Evil, ugly bitch
Let's see how you like this cut
Feel the burning in your disgusting sallow skin
Injury to the body
Numbs the emotional pain
Jarring the nerves with sharp stinging sensations
Ugliness flows from within
Rending the flesh
Years later, the scars remain
~Blooming Psycho~
Notes:
I was not correctly diagnosed with bipolar disorder type 2 until I was nearly 40. I was always diagnosed with "depression and anxiety" and given medications that made me feel a lot worse, then was berated for reacting badly to the medications. I'm a real "problem child," and react badly to the majority of medications. I cannot take SSRI's, the darlings of the psychiatric field. They make me both manic and psychotic, when I am usually neither.
Whenever people say "you need to just open your heart and love will come to you," I want to vomit. Trite truisms don't work, especially when opening myself up to someone that way tends to run the risk that I'll end up in the emergency room with slashed wrists. I once walked the streets near where my cheating boyfriend lived dripping blood from my arms and writing his name in blood on walls along with the name of a demon whom I hoped would eradicate the idiot he was cheating on me with.
I would like to think I wouldn't do something this extreme now that Lithium has calmed the worst of my impulsive overreactions and I understand the nature of my disease. However, part of preventing such a relapse involves carefully protecting myself. Cinderella is a fairy tale, and a prince is not necessary to complete oneself.
My obsessive-compulsive disorder is in some ways harmless. I have compulsions to do things like color coordinate push pins on bulletin boards. I have a counting system to help me make decisions when there are multiple items to choose from. These things are harmless and don't interfere with my life.
I also have a lot of trouble throwing things away. I have boxes and boxes of items accumulated over the years before I realized what was going on with me. Work and dealing with my family tends to prevent me from going through them as often as I should. Also, sometimes when I see the mess I'm faced with, I become crippled with anxiety. So, pardon me if I get my hackles up if someone proudly proclaims that they watch "Hoarders." Turning people's problems into a freak show is not cool.
Seventeen years ago this Halloween I was raped by an ex boyfriend. I never reported it. I knew the cops would say that it was my fault for being drunk and letting him into my house.
I thought he had left. I was so wasted that I went to bed with my clothes on. I don't think much time had passed when I woke up with my clothes removed and him on top of me.
I had horrific panic attacks which would repeat on and off for most of the day for a year after that. I could not get anyone to listen to me. My own family told me that I needed to "just get over it." The drugs I was given gave me rebound attacks and made me suicidal. I eventually ended up taking far more than the recommended dose of the natural substance Kava to get me through. Eventually I found out about biofeedback. This helped me far more than any of the drugs ever did.
There is never an excuse for shaming someone for their body type, including concern trolling larger people.
If I hadn't discovered Health At Every Size and size acceptance, I would still be yo-yo dieting my way through life, calling myself names like fat pig, and not exercising because it doesn't lead to weight loss. It does, however, provide other benefits regardless of one's size, if one is capable of doing it.
I may never love my body, but at least now I don't disrespect it. I will never be thin unless I end up with some terrible disease. SO WHAT???
These blogs were very helpful to me and may be helpful to others (particularly larger people) who are struggling with body image issues.
My proclivity for self-injury became prevalent in my teens, but I truly believe it started in childhood when I would berate myself for making a mistake by spanking myself and screaming that I was "bad, bad, bad."
I do hope readers take away more from this than "damn, at least I'm not as messed up as Blooming Psycho." I reveal my truths in the hopes that people will see the person behind the diseases. People with mental illness are, in fact, human and deserving of equal treatment.
