Now and Next
Another chapter begins
Within this aging skin
Turn the page
Feel weariness, not rage
And then there was
Less and less to hope for every day
But I had to keep hope alive anyway
I begin again
When this life is at an end
And then there was
No respite from the fight
I begin again tonight
Now it is time to write
Set some small spark alight
No boldness left, only desperation
In a life without respite or vacation
~The Cheese~
Boldly going where all too many are going in this day and age: on an endless cycle with less than nothing to show for it
Cheesy's Notes:
It's my blog and I'll bitch if I want to.
Howdy. I am the creator of Team Netherworld, which is home to several creative blogs including the one you are currently reading. I've got a rant in my pants, and I'm going to undo the top button and let it out!
So many times I see people apologizing for writing things that are dark and/or raw. This is a source of frustration to me, not because I'm angry at the person for feeling like they need to apologize, but because our society does this to people.
My situation is not particularly good, in fact, it's pretty well straight up bad. I am not the only one who can freely say this in this day and time. If it's this bad for me, imagine how bad it is for the millions attempting to live on minimum wage when I make more than double minimum wage and am still unable to stay afloat.
I have not eaten since yesterday. Granted, I have past issues with eating disorders, but that isn't what's going on in this case. I haven't eaten because I'm rationing my food. I'm rationing my food because I need, for one thing, to pay for my prescription for thyroid medicine. I also need to pay my wireless bill ($45 a month for a shared plan for my son and I, and these are our only phones) and my Internet bill.
I do not use the Internet only for "frivolous" things like playing on my blogs or occasionally watching Netflix. (I got rid of satellite TV years ago--it was costing me $45 a month and the service sucked anyway.) I am also taking online classes in an attempt to eventually obtain my R.N. license. Yay or something.
At my income level ($18/hour) I do not qualify for any sort of public assistance because I make too much money. However, most every cent I make goes for paying my mortgage + lot rent on the mobile home where I live, which does not have a working heater or shower, and I can't afford to have either one repaired. I shower at work and use a couple space heaters in the winter.
About this time, out come the "justs."
"Just move out of there into an apartment."
A two bedroom apartment in this area is not significantly less expensive than what I currently pay for mortgage and lot rent, number one. I'm not talking "luxury apartment." The going rate for a standard two bedroom is $1000 a month. One bedrooms are around $850.
Second, my credit is shot. I maxed my credit cards, mostly on car repair and vet bills. Without at least fair credit, there is no way I can qualify to move into an apartment. Besides, I'd either have to keep paying the mortgage/lot rent until someone else bought the place (and mobile homes are a rabid, snarling, hairy ass bitch to sell) or I'd have to allow it to go into foreclosue, which would tank my credit even further, so I might as well continue to live in the thing.
Yes, I have cats. Five of them. All of them are rescues that I got years ago. I won't take in any more because I can't afford to have their companionship although I do care about them. Nor will I get rid of the ones I currently have. They trust me and depend on me. They don't deserve to be traumatized by being rehomed so late in life--and I don't deserve to be traumatized by having to give them up. Anyone who thinks I do doesn't have a heart, plain and simple. These critters are my family.
My other family member is my son, who has problems finding a job, not because he is "lazy" or "unmotivated," but because he lives with severe depression and anxiety issues which sideline him.
My son has his own apartment, which his father sends him money to pay for. He prefers living on his own, and I back him on this.
Both of us live with mental illness. I have type 2 bipolar disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder. I struggle with hoarding items, not animals. At this stage I'm able to deal with throwing things out somewhat, but I'm often too tired to try when I come home from work.
I've tried to find a second job. Nobody wants to fresh hire someone who's nearly 50, even in areas in which I have experience.
I'm not revealing any of this to try and make anyone feel sorry for me. I'm revealing it to hopefully make people think about the fact that I am far from alone in my state of existence. There are millions like me, and I don't see it getting better. I'm fortunate to have a job and someplace to live, even if it's far from optimal.
It is very difficult to make it on one full time income and that should not be the case. Something is very, very wrong here. I make far more money than I ever have, and I am bringing home far less to show for it. Back when I was making $11 an hour, I was able to make ends meet. I used to be able to go out to dinner weekly. Now I can't even afford McDonald's. In other words, even though I make significantly more money, it buys me significantly less.
Also, I would like people to consider one other thing. Rather than telling people to "cheer up" or belittling them for expressing dark and/or angry feelings, perhaps it is best to take into account that maybe said person has reason for what they are expressing. Writing should free us, not force us to try and be a little ray of sunshine even when we feel like we are wandering through a dark, moonless night with no lantern.
~The Cheese Hath Spoken~
