For Rachel

A friend I knew yesterday

I miss you today

I will still love you tomorrow

I miss you, Rachel

You understood

I wish you were still here

Perhaps in a future life

We can meet again

Let us always be friends

CIE

My friend Rachel died at the age of 69 on this date in 2009 from complications of diabetes

Prompt used:

Withrealtoads.blogspot.com

Three verses, three lines each, covering past, present and future

OctPoWriMo 2015: Day 21: Overwhelmed

Overwhelmed

If I admit I'm feeling overwhelmed

Others turn away

Or tell me to keep smiling anyway

When I feel overwhelmed

I'd like to walk into a swamp

Let the brackish water engulf me

Let myself submerge beneath the muck

Too many obligations bury me beneath their weight

Slam into me like a flood following a deluge

Inundate my life

I can find nothing of sympathy anywhere

When I am overwhelmed, I become quite sure

That no-one cares a hill of beans for me

~Cie~

Notes:

Things these days are ridiculous. The common person can never get ahead. Many of us die buried under a mountain of debt and dead dreams, though not for lack of trying.

My health insurance costs $400 a month. This is actually the cheapest way to go. The other options involve insanely high deductibles. My deductible is $250 a year.

My son's student loans are about to go into default and I am helping him as he is not currently employed. He has issues with depression, anxiety and agoraphobia and is on the high functioning end of the autism spectrum. Finding work is difficult for him. 

I have more car repairs coming.

I'm still paying for my own schooling per my contract, although I haven't been able to take any classes in a year.

I already work full time. I don't know how I could handle a second job along with my outside obligations.

I make well above minimum wage. I don't know how people who make minimum wage survive.

It's simply wrong that people have to strive to see nothing come from it.

My suicide ideation increases exponentially when I become this overwhelmed. Note that I said suicide ideation, not planning. Most of the methods I fantasize about using to off myself are ridiculous and impractical. 

If I went to the ER every time I experienced suicide ideation, I'd have to live there. Then I'd owe them money. Besides, I hate that place. It isn't very welcoming or comfortable.

I like my job. I love my family, although I seem to be a bad fit with them. They neither seem to like nor understand nor care about me. I love the things I dream up when I'm writing. I wish I could live in that world. 

I hate my life.

Please don't tell me not to be "negative." This is my place to let it all hang out. If one doesn't let negativity out, it eats them up from within. 

~Cie~

Afterthought:

Things have improved since the time I wrote this. I still have overwhelming money problems, but I don't feel as taken for granted. It is more important than people realize to feel as if you are somehow valued.

T is for Tableau

Cut me a slice!

Modern Life Tableau

Always on the run

Sun hurries across

A horizon that

Looks eerily the

Same every day as

We race to our deaths

~Rose~

The Tableau

The Tableau, a poetry form created by Emily Romano in October of 2008, consists of one or more verses, each having six lines. Each line should have five beats. There is no set rhyme scheme, although rhyme may be present. The title should contain the word tableau.

Since the dictionary states the word tableau means picture or representation, the poem should reflect this. A picture should come to mind as the poem is read.

Example #1:
Graveside Tableau

Sunlight cannot warm
The corpse of the bairn
Who drowned in the loch;
Stoic the father,
Silent the mother,
While a spinster weeps

Copyright © 2008 Emily Romano

Overwhelmed

Overwhelmed

(the prompt is numbers)

I

just want 

everything

to stop, just stop

life is killing me

its simply too much for 

me to endure it any

one thing leads to another

and yet another and then there's more

please can't somebody make it stop for

just a little while please can't somebody hit

the switch there's got to be a switch oh Gods why is

there no switch I think this must be hell I know it is

a hell of my own making I wish I'd been more

careful with my choices and listened to my

heart instead of the voices of those who

claimed they knew what I should do because

now I'm stuck and there doesn't seem

to be any escape for

this rat trapped in the race

which can only end

when her life is

spent and she

at last

dies

~Helena~

Can you guess where the numbers are?

It's ascending and descending syllable counts!

Truth Bites

Photo credit: mmmcrafts / Foter / CC BY-NC-ND

Painting by Scott Moore

 

It seems that I went from

Losing teeth

To being long in the tooth

Jumping and sliding

From one year to the next

Always hoping in vain

For things to ease up

~Cie~ 

From the Land of Lost Hope

Suicide ideation by ACKZ Twisted -Art

 

From the Land of Lost Hope

 



Financial misery, no joke

Not much reason for hope

Dreams died a long time ago

I'd love to just let go

 

No such thing as true love

Not too much belief in anything but clouds up above

This old bipolar bitch doesn't have the means to be "duh, winning."

Plus I'm too old to find much fun in sinning

 

For too long I've been on the edge of losing it all

One day I'll find a cliff and from its edge take a fall

There's only one thing that keeps me keeping on

Once he can make it on his own, hell with everything, I'm gone

 

One of these days I'll learn to fly

One of these days I'll touch the sky

If I could I'd still be living a lie

Believing that everything would be all right by and by

 

But I can no longer believe the hype

That I'm just waiting for the fruit to turn ripe

With every year, it gets a little bit worse

Don't tell me my life's not a curse

 

If this little verse has been too honest in tone

It's simply the voice of pain suffered alone

And if you don't like the things I have to say

There's no need to be rude, just be on your way.

 

~Tempest~

Reporting honestly from Hell

 

 

I actually do have a son. He has unipolar depression, while I have type II bipolar disorder. Thus, he has the gene for bipolar disorder, and I pray it's never triggered.

He has made the choice that he will never have biological children because of the mental illness in our family.

My son is an adult, but he is trying to get through med school and still needs my support. If my lot in life hasn't improved by the time he's graduated and working, I will off myself, and I will not apologize for saying that.

 

Cross-posted to:

Crazy Town in Looney Land

Poetry of the Netherworld

 



A is for Acrostic

An Acrostic poem is a poem in which each line begins with a letter of a given word or words.

Here is my effort, summing up how I feel of late; how I've felt for a long time, if the truth were to be told.

Working For a Less Than Living

 ******

Tired, so tired, of working each week

Only to have it all gone in a flash

Industrious me, and yet what is it worth?

Lost to the tax man, the holder of the inflated mortgage, the high cost of living

Lies I tell myself to get through the week

About someday getting to the top

Belief is gone, yet I fool myself

Only to turn around and do it all over again

Reaching for a dream I can never achieve

Dreams are for the young and the foolish

Reason is too dismal to contemplate

Unless miracles happen, and they usually don't

Death is the only way out

Gainful employment is an oxymoron

Eventually we all must pay the piper

~Faith~

Here is a cool list of poetry styles.

Haiku Wednesday: Bucket List

The only bucket

On my list contains a mop

Cleaning never done

Continuity

Just one of those days

Moving boxes yet again

Continuity

Trying to get stuff out of a garage size storage unit by the end of the month when I'm my sole helper until my son has his spring break and can lend a hand really sucks! How did I ever accumulate this much junk?

X-Posted To:

Crazy Town in Looney Land

Undead in the Netherworld