Judgment

Their judgmental ways

 Taught me to be tolerant

 Or at least to try

~Cie~

Prompts Abused:

Imaginary Garden with Real Toads

(Flip the mask around and upside and down and try talking of the gods the other way.) 

NaPoWriMo

(Think back to your childhood)

Notes:

I grew up in a very judgmental, religiously dogmatic family. My father's family were old world Catholics. My mother's were hard-line Baptists. These judgmental attitudes eventually pushed me away from the church. I didn't want to be that way.

Flipping the issue on its head, a portion of my trifecta of mental illness is borderline personality disorder. People with borderline personality disorder tend to see everything in shades of black and white. I have to fight against this all the time. I tend to take things very personally, to become very defensive, to feel that I am always being attacked or rejected. It makes it very hard to be close to people. I also tend to push people away before they have a chance to hurt me. It is an extremely lonely disorder to live with.

The upshot is, I can't blame my family for the portion of the problem that is mine to bear alone. I have been guilty of being terribly judgmental, and I have hurt people with my judgments.

OctPoWriMo 2015: Day 21: Overwhelmed

Overwhelmed

If I admit I'm feeling overwhelmed

Others turn away

Or tell me to keep smiling anyway

When I feel overwhelmed

I'd like to walk into a swamp

Let the brackish water engulf me

Let myself submerge beneath the muck

Too many obligations bury me beneath their weight

Slam into me like a flood following a deluge

Inundate my life

I can find nothing of sympathy anywhere

When I am overwhelmed, I become quite sure

That no-one cares a hill of beans for me

~Cie~

Notes:

Things these days are ridiculous. The common person can never get ahead. Many of us die buried under a mountain of debt and dead dreams, though not for lack of trying.

My health insurance costs $400 a month. This is actually the cheapest way to go. The other options involve insanely high deductibles. My deductible is $250 a year.

My son's student loans are about to go into default and I am helping him as he is not currently employed. He has issues with depression, anxiety and agoraphobia and is on the high functioning end of the autism spectrum. Finding work is difficult for him. 

I have more car repairs coming.

I'm still paying for my own schooling per my contract, although I haven't been able to take any classes in a year.

I already work full time. I don't know how I could handle a second job along with my outside obligations.

I make well above minimum wage. I don't know how people who make minimum wage survive.

It's simply wrong that people have to strive to see nothing come from it.

My suicide ideation increases exponentially when I become this overwhelmed. Note that I said suicide ideation, not planning. Most of the methods I fantasize about using to off myself are ridiculous and impractical. 

If I went to the ER every time I experienced suicide ideation, I'd have to live there. Then I'd owe them money. Besides, I hate that place. It isn't very welcoming or comfortable.

I like my job. I love my family, although I seem to be a bad fit with them. They neither seem to like nor understand nor care about me. I love the things I dream up when I'm writing. I wish I could live in that world. 

I hate my life.

Please don't tell me not to be "negative." This is my place to let it all hang out. If one doesn't let negativity out, it eats them up from within. 

~Cie~

Afterthought:

Things have improved since the time I wrote this. I still have overwhelming money problems, but I don't feel as taken for granted. It is more important than people realize to feel as if you are somehow valued.