the aroma of pine
and the young morning's fresh rain
reach my words
the aroma of pine
in a place long left behind
shadows of what was
and the young morning's fresh rain
cries the tears that I cannot
heart frozen inside
reach my words
but understand not a one
no-one can know me
~Pirate & Cie~
Notes:
The "sleigh" of this Troiku was written by Hamish "Managua" Gunn, aka Pirate. The three (utterly fucking depressing) Horses of the Apocalypse are my creations. Read them and despair.
I am in rather a bleak mood today. Please, no comments suggesting therapists, drugs, or any of that sort of thing. That shit doesn't work for me. I just have to work my own way out of it.
I'd suggest, gently, that the words you've penned sound harsh, critical, even bitter, to your ears - but as a stranger, reading them, I sense more of a very deep sorrow, a grief - and grieving.
ReplyDeleteSo your notation: The three (utterly fucking depressing) Horses of the Apocalypse are my creations. Read them and despair.
your creation is only extreme because you're the one living/feeling the emotions - and I'm sorry for that. I hope you can work it out, and feel less troubled. And just one final thought - there is a sensitivity to your troiku - almost a serenity - which probably sounds insane, but it's there - it's the softness of the image of the pines, the scent and rain. It may be a torrential, prickly downpour to you, but that's not how it comes across - just saying.
Thank you for your comment and for respecting my wish not to have "but therapy--but meds!" pushed at me. I'm 54 years old and know full well about those things, enough to know that with meds the cure is worse than the problem (I become manic and psychotic on psych medications because I tend to have paradoxical reactions to medications) and I don't trust shrinks, so going to them is useless.
DeleteHonestly, it doesn't sound insane that there is a serenity to this piece. I was thinking of a place which brought me serenity when I wrote it.
Thank you for your words. I appreciate your thoughtfulness.
listen, I'm going to be the last person to start offering "positive platitudes" and "you shoulds ..." to someone who is having a shitty day - I know some people really do mean well, when they make all kinds of suggestions, but it most often comes across as "Hallmark" - and I don't *do* Hallmark. Depression, anxiety, etc. aren't easy aspects to manage. And whatever it is you are feeling, is something you don't need anyone's permission to feel - or express - however you wish, if you so choose.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to let you know that in the moment of your writing, whatever your feelings were, however your thoughts translated - didn't necessarily mean that others were going to "read" it this way - and not as "strongly" or intense, perhaps, as your feelings are/were. In short, it just sounded like you were warning, in your notation, which is okay - but for some reason, I just felt like you were "projecting" - as if you expect people to read/react in a negative fashion. I don't think this is necessarily the case. I find your troiku of a melancholic nature, perhaps distressing, (but sensitive for the word choice) but not depressing, or a "downer" - and personally, I don't shy away from "darkness" - so it's all right.
right, this isn't coming out well - but I hope you understand what I mean - no offense meant, of course --- and I really do hope you've worked yourself into a better place - feel less depressed and all the crappy that comes with it.
I hear you. The thing is, I've had soooooo many people, both online and offline, tell me things like "if you just get the right combination of meds" or "if you just find the right therapist," and even on this blog I've had people tell me that my dark poetry is "catharsis" and that one day I'll "get over my sadness." Not bloody likely, seeing as it's been with me ever since I can remember. It's just that some days it's stronger than others.
DeleteAnd yes, I tried all kinds of meds, and except for Prozac, which made me so numb and dead inside that I considered cutting my arm just to see if I could still feel anything, they all made me manic and psychotic.
People think these medications are magic bullets, but they are not to be trifled with. Sometimes they mess with people's brain chemistry in a bad way.
In any case, the last place I want to hear about that stuff is on my poetry blog!
I really don't do Hallmark either. Unless the card has cute animals. I'm always keen for cute animals.
Okay - I understand, and like I said, I just wanted to be sure that you didn't think I was going to "pep lecture" you. And you're quite right - there are no "magic bullets" - brain chemistry as well as body chemistry is constantly changing, shifting, re-wiring itself, and chronic illnesses, of all kinds, can be much harder to manage, because of it. And ultimately, very frustrating too. And you're quite right too - some days are harder than others - but we all do the best we can, with what we've got. I guess one of the more difficult aspects in dealing with "life" is the stigmas and associations people like to automatically make. But when others really get in my face? I tell them to walk a minute or a mile, in my shoes - and see how long they would last. Kindness and compassion cost nothing. I'd say "understanding" too - but too often, others lack the true interest or care to be bothered - or simply, the whole "darkness" or "uglier" aspects make them too uncomfortable - which, of course, is and should never be, "your problem." As Leonard Cohen offered:
ReplyDeleteLeonard Cohen "Anthem"
Ring the bells that still can ring,
Forget your perfect offering,
There's a crack in everything.
That's how the light gets in.
I hope you're having a better day today, and can find some restful, spirit/soul soothing balms, slices of whatever nourishes you, and makes you feel "more for it here" ... grounded, at ease, etc. Have a most excellent weekend - for as much as you can.
Unfortunately, body language doesn't translate over the Internet. The best defense for the "Use the Magic Pills" crowd would be the same as the one I use on the people who have a myriad of "cures" for my diabetes. Sideways glance and a smirk, conveying the message of "yes, I'm quite sure you know allllll about it!"
DeleteI once had someone tell me that if I just take cinnamon, I would be able to stop using insulin. FFS, that is not only stupid advice but dangerous. Cinnamon gives me good-tasting burps. Insulin makes up for the fact that I have a dead organ floating around in my body.
One thing is for sure, people are capable of incredible nonsense and of knowing a great deal about the lives of those they've never even met.
One thing is for sure, people are capable of incredible nonsense and of knowing a great deal about the lives of those they've never even met.
Deleteindeed - and always willing to chime in with something 😔
Poignant and beautiful.
ReplyDeletefading memories
ReplyDeleteno consolation for grief
in the warmth of tears
A wonderful (but maybe sad tuned) Troiku. Chapeau!
ReplyDelete