Sly Speaks + Fat Friday + Friday Flashback: Diet Culture Rhetoric Is Not Poetry

This poignant gem was originally published on 17 January 2010 on my now-retired poetry blog.

life It would be far easier to diet if I didn't like food.

This, apparently, was the entire-ass poem.

A year later, I would finally take the long-needed step of ditching diet culture for good.

That is a terrible statement, let alone being a terrible poem. 

It isn't even a poem, it's a blurb. A very stupid and brainwashed blurb. It's a tweet that shouldn't have been tweeted. It is a lot of things, none of them good. A poem it is not. 

The Chili Bean Tanka is a better poem, and it is not a good poem. In fact, it is close to Vogon poetry in its poetic injustice.

It goes a little bit something like this.

I ate the chili

between the beans and the spice

digestive horror

beneath the cover of night

noxious eruptions take place

As I mentioned previously, I struggled over the holidays. My abusive partner ED (Eating Disorder) reared his ugly head and I relapsed into my old restrictive eating and self-loathing patterns. Which, by the way, never made me thin, they just fucked my metabolism over and made me hate myself even more. 

However, reading this micro-poem that should not be, I could see where I'd been myopic in my criticism of a poet whose book I reviewed recently. I gave the book overall high praise, but I stated that her "poem" which read as follows, and I quote:

love ends but calories are forever

was not so much a poem as unfortunate diet culture rhetoric, and I wouldn't want to read it as a tweet, let alone in a book of poetry.

Given the unseemly evidence above, that critique was hypocritical of me.

However, there is a lesson to be learned.

Next time you think publishing a pithy pearl of poignant perspicacity such as this...

Go to the kitchen and grab yourself a snack. Or at least have something to drink. Your blood sugar may be low because if you think that's worth publishing, you obviously haven't been thinking clearly. Step out for a breath of air and clear your head of the Diet Culture nonsense. You've obviously bitten off more of it than you can chew.

That being said, Words Written in the Dark is, overall, a thoughtful and thought-provoking volume of modern poetry, and I recommend it highly.

Fat and Ornery

Image copyright Open Clipart Vectors

Ornery Literary Services

Sly and Snarky

Image copyright juliahenze @123rf.com

The Most Spluvid of Splunge-Negators

Judge Dustbinn Knaprous has created a most pyfmont warning for his fellow VILE Awards judges regarding the worst Splunge-negating offenders among Netherworld musicians

The Most Spluvid of Splunge-Negators:

A Warning both Timely and Bropp

by

Judge Dustbinn Knaprous

Yokon, VILE Awards Council

Fellow Ovlon Diglin:

By far the worst of the worst

Of bands going above and beyond the muvip call of duty

To negate the spevid quality known as Splunge

Is the Young-led legion of the Splungeless

That figcrop of a band known as 

The Quick and the Undead

They plunge the Splunge to -666

Never should Vogon-kind see the day

When they are allowed to play

For a more wudlus day you will never see 

Yours in Splunge and Vogonosity,

Dustbinn Knaprous

Yokon Honourable

VILE Awards Council

Note:

This was supposed to be a list, but Vogons are notoriously lazy and unpleasant, so I didn't want to push Judge Knaprous for more.

NaPoWriMo 2017: Day 18: O is for Outrageous Vogonery

Vogon Poetry by Jollyjack

Cruslimate Jexpod

by

His Holiness Tuns Tumuch, Oracle of Yopsog and Avatar of Hansab

Most otward doctrine of Xodbyz!

Not much time have I

To impart to you the xelth of qoc

Grab thou the nvoy 

The qoc of zoz has been lasled 

by the taiq presence of the humustrous Young

Truly his splunge-negating nefarity

Is a threat to the bepig of all Vogon eminate

I, your Oracle, have unto the Grimoire of Yopsog

turned

Of this Earthly Young monstrism it bespake

Dispatched forthwith must be the Splunge Negator

Or we shall suffer the consequences

Most splungelessly

Neglect the Oycog of Knoq at your peril!

Tuns Tumuch

High Oracle of Yopsog and Avatar of Hansab

Notes:

In spite of the fact that he was made a hero of the Vogon Empire for saving the Vogon Flagship from the Rainbow Connection Pirates during the 2014 VILE Awards, some Vogons really don't like Malcolm Young. Tuns Tumuch is one of these Vogons. 

After said bestowing of hero status, Tuns kidnapped Malcolm, immobilized him in the web of the ship's Soul Stripper Spider, and proceeded to attempt to force 666 hours of poetry from the Grimoire of Yopsog into the unfortunate musician's auditory receptors. 

Fortunately, Malcolm was rescued within three hours of his imprisonment. Unfortunately, although the spectral vestiges of his small intestine attempted to strangle the spectral vestiges of his brain to stop his having to absorb such an atrocity, spectral creatures do not, in fact, possess small intestines or physical brains, and so forced to listen he was.

Silly Interlude: VILE Awards 2015: Steaming Piles of Poetry

Hello everyone! I thought some of you might get a laugh off this turly offering of Vogon poetry. The VILE (Vogon Intergalactic Lyrical Establishment) Awards are in full swing over at the Rattling Bones Undead Musician Magazine. This chap is one of their people's finest poets.

I also wanted to inform everyone that we are working to reply to all your lovely comments! We're a bit behind. We're currently working on the sixth day of OctPoWriMo. I assure you that we have no intent of ignoring you, and one of us will be by to say hello.

Now, if only I could get the Doctor to show up in his TARDIS, I could get caught up yesterday!

~Helena~

Celebrated Vogon poet Zephfrous Lobotomay

VILE Awards 2015:

Steaming Piles of Poetry

by

Filthy Fred

THIS IS A SANITY-SCARRING MULTIVERSE MASHUP, NETHERWORLD STYLE

SIDEBAR RULES APPLY

IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE RULES, DON'T READ THE POST

Prompt Used:

TMI Tuesday

"Fellow Vogons and fnoq guests, it is time for our illustrious poetry showcase!" harrumphed Judge Ugry Surly. "Fortunately, our cufly reading does not appear to be sullied by the presence of any member of the lurak Young family. I despise them with every fiber of my ejnut. They make me want to upchuck my eory. In any case, we have with us our esteemed poet laureate Zephfrous Lobotomay to read for you his steamy sonnet, Hot Ruven. Join us now for some Astronomical Sizzle that will excite even the most muted of hiljwe."

Zephfrous Lobotomay approached the platform, cleared his throat, and spoke.

1. He turned me over and englobe afar.

2. He grabs one lira and I aglow aware.

3. She Apso cowed cautiously.

4. Now I am going to cow the sulfa oxide you.

5. I will take you by your boys now.

6. I slipped my hand under soil and his/her woods spasms.

7. In the shower she let me nosh her bow.

8. She grabbed his cow, and yanked and pulled until he vow now.

I'm not sure about anyone else, but my Hiljwe was still pretty muted after hearing that. Also, I get the distinct feeling that Judge Surly is not in the pro Young brothers camp. I overheard him saying something about wanting to remove their qutubs and feed them to ghiks. Maybe I'm misinterpreting things somehow, but to me that doesn't sound like he's exactly feeling the Young Zeal.

Filthy Fred 

for

Rattling Bones Undead Musician Magazine

a division of

FOGNL/UNDEAD Entertainment

The feelings of the Vogon Empire are mixed regarding these fellows

Certain citizens of the Vogon Empire consider Malcolm Young to be a hero of their people for saving their flagship from the Rainbow Connection Pirates during the 2014 VILE Awards. They tolerate Angus as a necessary auxiliary evil. As VILE Awards Judge Huffy Noxious says:

"Angus Young can be compared to the need for a subcutaneous injection of pix when one is experiencing the pax pox. He is a threat to the Splunge, doubly so when paired with his brother, whom I consider comparable to the bad taste left in one's mouth when licking the adhesive on uflon envelopes. It is an acceptable tradeoff for knowing that one's important paper documents are sealed in the most jiq envelopes in the Universe. However, in spite of his particular btab qualities and the threat he poses to the Splunge, Malcolm Young is indeed a hero of the Vogon Empire, and if we are to honor his contributions, we must accept the fact that his autonomously functioning conjoined soul twin cannot be far behind."

Other citizens of the Vogon Empire feel that regardless of the fact that Malcolm saved the Vogon Empire's flagship with his quick thinking and sharp wit, he is too great a threat to the mysterious and inexplicable quality of Splunge to be allowed aboard said flagship again, and becomes infinitely more of a threat when his brother is present. Besides, as Tuns Tumuch said after capturing Malcolm in a Soul Stripper spider web last year and forcing him to listen to multiple verses from the Grimoire of Yopsog, the sentiment of certain vogons regarding said accidental hero is "I just don't like you."

We are left with the question of whether the nefarious plot of Judge Ugry Surly and the anti-Young faction will succeed in eradicating the ingenuous musical pair to the farthest reaches of the time-space continuum, or if the "hideously adorable in their own iqueous way" duo will find a way to negate the unsavory plot of General Mondegreen should they cross paths with him. It remains to be seen!

Personally, I'm rooting for the hideously adorable twosome. As my pal Kizz Myass says "I loike dose wee dudes. They're totally deadly."

Harry Sakks

for

Rattling Bones Undead Musician Magazine

a division of

FOGNL/UNDEAD Entertainment

OctPoWriMo 2014: Day 17

Copyright: avian / 123RF Stock Photo

The Jabberwock has Nothing on Me

Random Words (with Random Word Association) With The Cheese

Otherwise Known as Utter Nonsense

Finger!

(Oh boy, we're starting off with a loaded one!)

Value Crown

(When you live in Butt Town, you've got to get down)

Cellar court froth

(Quit complaining and drink your broth)

Coin priest ant lawyer

(Huckleberry Finn and Tom Sawyer)

Lay-by lamp barrel grafitti mask

(Sounds like the Genie's off on a toot again)

Pilot goal flight surgeon cork lido

(He's enjoying an in-flight wine tasting with Boz Skaggs, a World Cup winning goalie, and a surgeon with iffy credentials)

Verse mud bundle fever toes ladder CD

(These verses are getting more and more ridiculous, particularly as I am now hanging by my toes from a ladder trying with fevered fervor to reach a bundle of CD's)

Verse bowl China cliff fact baboon desk shooting

(Writing verses while hanging over a cliff in China, I am confronted by a fact-checking baboon, who angrily throws my desk over the edge and then starts shooting)

The Jabberwock

Illustration by John Tenniel

(Public Domain)

The Jabberwock certainly has nothing on me in the field of nonsense!

What else would you expect from the creator of The Netherworld blogs?

~Cie Cheesemeister~

 

I utilized this random word generator to assist in creating the above nonsense.

I wonder if the Vogons might like to feature my poem at this year's VILE Awards.

OctPoWriMo 2014

Team Netherworld is participating in OctPoWriMo again in 2014! 

We are considering making an e-book featuring all of our Poems of Autumn.

More about that later!

Follow along, and read poems that will be much better than this:

Persistent dry hack

Not lung disease

But allergies

Hand me a Zyrtec forthwith!

It's not quite Vogon poetry, but it is pretty awful. 

It's also the truth.

~Helena~

Satisfy

The post that this image was found in is worth the read.

Satisfy

I want to satisfy

The need in you

To need me

I want to satisfy

Your every need

So you always need

To come back for more

I want to satisfy

My love

~Blooming Psycho~

SATISFY  (transitive verb)
1a : to carry out the terms of (as a contract) : discharge
  b : to meet a financial obligation to
2: to make reparation to (an injured party) : indemnify
3a : to make happy : please  
 b : to gratify to the full : appease
4a : convince
  b : to put an end to (doubt or uncertainty) : dispel

5a : to conform to (as specifications) : be adequate to (an end in view)

Notes:

Trifecta is going away. This is a bummer. Even though Team Netherworld's writing never passed their muster, we still kind of like them and enjoyed the challenges.

The Psycho has no-one in her life to inspire the writing of such a poem as the one shared above. This poem is written by one of our favorite characters to his wife. He has a tendency to write sappy poetry to her. 

This is far less awkward than the awful poem that one of our other borrowed characters wrote with someone else's wife in mind. In fairness, it was actually an old poem that he wrote after he and this woman spent 666 years together in a hell consisting of nothing but kitchens with spray cheese and saltine crackers. Also, at the point when he wrote the poem, he hadn't yet met the lovely succubus who would become his wife. He used the poem to impress the Vogons, who had asked him to participate in a poetry reading aboard their flagship. He was suffering from writer's block and couldn't come up with any new material.

This blog will officially be participating in the April A-Z challenge. Stay tuned. We hope to avoid writing any awkward Vogon-appeasing poetry.

~Bloomy~

The Yogurt and the Spoon

The Yogurt and the Spoon

Oh Yogurt! sighed the spoon

Your probiotics make me swoon!

You bathe me in cool creaminess

You make me feel so fine and fresh

Ah Spoon! the yogurt sighed

I can't wait for the moment when you reach inside

I hunger to feel you scoop me up

I'm waiting for you in my loving cup!

A very silly poem by

Petra Steele

The challenge was to write a poem about love between two objects. I was about to eat yogurt, so I was inspired to create this.

This one may rival the piece submitted by our Vogon guest a couple of days ago!

Folks, for everyone's sake, I am not about to try to meet the other part of the challenge. My ugly mug would break the camera, and I am very self-conscious about my hick accent. So--nope! Not gonna do it! Believe me, you should thank me.

~Petra~