OctPoWriMo 2018: Day 19: Suicide Ideation

Flowers and a Grave

Copyright Raivn_70

Is it death that you desire

Or do you wish to escape from your troubles

Are you questioning whether to end it 

Or do you wish to escape from your troubles

Do you search for a means of suicide

Or do you wish to escape from your troubles

Do you doubt your will to live

Or do you wish to escape from your troubles

Will you fulfill the threat to end it all

Or do you wish to escape from your troubles

~Cie~

Notes:

The form is a chant poem.

I am aware that the go-to when one believes that someone is suicidal is to tell them to go to the emergency room or tell them to call the suicide line.

Please don't tell me to do either of those things.

I have lived with suicide ideation for as long as I can remember.

If I went to the emergency room every time I felt suicidal, I'd have to live there.

If I may be so bold, fuck that shit.

I'm afraid that in my experience, suicide hotlines are, well, not that helpful, if I'm to be blunt. I had one asshole who laughed at my distress. I had one kind but not at all helpful fellow who wished me luck. So, that has been my experience with suicide hotlines.

Suicide ideation is in a different class than someone threatening suicide, particularly if they have the means and a specific plan to complete the act.

A person may have a high degree of suicide ideation but a low level of planning, which tends to be my case when my suicide ideation flares up.

A person like me is not likely to telegraph it if they are actually going to commit suicide. If I were to commit suicide, no-one would know until after the fact. Thus, telling someone like me to go to the emergency room if I say I wish I was dead isn't going to accomplish anything except for wasting my time. With someone like me, it works much better to ask what's going on to make me feel that way. I might say that I'm on a downswing, or it might be something more concrete. But asking why I'm feeling as I am will make me feel as if you care rather than causing me to make a mental note to myself that here is yet one more person I can't tell anything because they just don't fucking get it.

It is a fact that people who experience suicide ideation are more likely to complete suicide than people who do not experience suicide ideation. It also is a fact that people who experience suicide ideation over the long term tend to have mood disorders such as major depression or bipolar disorder. A lot of us do not respond well (or at all) to the "magic medications." For people living with a chronic mental illness, it tends to be unhelpful and demeaning to suggest that we "try meds" or "seek counseling." Many of us have had bad experiences with "mental health professionals" and will avoid them like a bad case of athlete's foot.

If I could find a therapist who did cognitive behavioral therapy and whose services were covered by Medicaid, I might consider it. Such beasts, however, are rare as the proverbial hen's teeth. I find artistic pursuits to be a far more soothing balm than spilling my guts to someone who a) probably doesn't give a fuck, and b) will frustrate me by just not fucking getting it. I can find someone who fills those criteria by walking out onto any street corner and yelling "hey, come talk to me!"

That is your psychology lecture for the day, class. Thank you for attending the Crazy Creatives Cheerleading Academy!