Image copyright Olha Shtepa
OctPoWriMo 2015:
Day 17:
Dancing In The Web
Caught in the middle of your web of self-hate
Injecting yourself with venom each day
You used me as a bandage for your wounds
I wanted so much to be your savior
I tried to free you, but you put up your defenses
Caught in the middle of your web of self-hate
I tried to love you, in return you abused me
I only wanted to make you stop
Injecting yourself with venom each day
I wanted to be your only love
You fooled around with so many other girls
You used me as a bandage for your wounds
~Thalia~
Cascade, a form created by Udit Bhatia, is all about receptiveness, but in a smooth cascading way like a waterfall. The poem does not have any rhyme scheme; therefore, the layout is simple. Say the first verse has three lines. Line one of verse one becomes the last line of verse two. To follow in suit, the second line of verse one becomes the last line of verse three. The third line of verse one now becomes the last line of verse four, the last stanza of the poem. See the structure example below:
a/b/c, d/e/A, f/g/B, h/i/C
Notes:
Is it pathetic that I'll be 50 years old on Halloween and my first girlfriend broke my heart so badly that I've never been able to have a relationship since? I suppose it might be.
I don't want people feeling sorry for me or thinking my life has been wasted. It hasn't. I've had fun in spite of the inevitable visits from the Black Dog. I'm a bit of an introvert, but I do have friends. I'm happy being my niece and nephew's favorite Auntie Thalia. I've just always been afraid to try to get into a relationship again.
I met my girlfriend when we were both fourteen, but we didn't get involved until two years later. It was all on the down-low, although I think people suspected. Being out wasn't even an option in those days, at least not where we lived. I dreamed of going somewhere like San Francisco where we would be accepted.
She believed that she could somehow be "cured" if she just "lost her virginity." She fooled around with guys, and it didn't cure her. She blamed me for holding her back and fooled around with other girls to spite me. She called me all kinds of ugly names. She physically abused me. She flaunted other girls in my face. I believed if I just loved her enough, she'd come to love me in return and we could live happily ever after.
I broke up with her on my eighteenth birthday. I knew she could never love me back because she hated herself so much. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I cried every day for more than a year afterwards.
I didn't long for her to return to me. She did far too much damage for me to ever take her back. I stopped loving her a long time ago, but the legacy from our relationship is me being unable to open myself up to love again.
She died nine years ago from an overdose of X. I don't believe she ever stopped hating herself.
Beliefs such as "homosexuality is a sin" and "we can cure homosexuality" are so destructive. If anyone takes anything away from my story, let it be this. People are people, love is love. Let's support each other rather than tear each other down. Life is hard enough.
I forgive you, Ingrid. I wish you had learned to accept yourself.
Peace,
Thalia
I enjoyed reading your post very much and would like to thank you for sharing it. The theme of your poem moved me, I wonder if meeting up with the type of person you describe inevitable for some of us. The poem is beautifully composed and so flawless .. I really would like to try this form on for size. Bastet
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. I think that letting this kind of person into our lives is more likely for those of us who are compassionate and want to help. Sometimes I think we keep trying long past the point that is healthy for us because we just don't want to let them go to destroy themselves. Sometimes the only thing we can do to save ourselves is to let go.
DeleteThank you for your courageous sharing. I truly wish you happiness and love.
ReplyDeleteKind thanks, Viv. I wish you the same. :-)
DeleteThank you for the thought provoking poem and opening your heart to us..Thalia. Best wishes from India :)
ReplyDeleteThank you. I appreciate your kindness.
DeleteThis is gorgeous heartfelt poem. Well done.
ReplyDeleteKind thanks. :-)
DeleteYour authentic sharing is an inspiration for loving people as they are and wanting only their happiness! God bless you!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. It means a lot. :-)
DeleteExcellent use of the form. Wishing you well.
ReplyDeleteMany thanks. :-)
DeleteYour devastation does come through. Thanks for your courage.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your encouragement. I appreciate it. :-)
Deletesometimes, life can be sad,
ReplyDeletebut maybe good luck.
a powerful insight, well done.
I've had luck in other ways, a nice family and friends, for instance. Just never had any in romantic love.
DeleteThanks for visiting. :-)
Tali, you are a winner. You make the world a better place. You don't need a partner to prove your worth. But if you want one, no-one deserves a good one more than you!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Mo. You're a winner too! :-D
DeleteBeautifully written.. love the use of the word prompt as well as the cascade style. Congratulations!
ReplyDeleteThank you. Glad you enjoyed it!
DeleteI feel you, Thalia. I'm so sorry you went through that. You're a great person. You deserve better.
ReplyDeleteI gave it a shot a few times. None of them ever hit the mark, though.
Thank you, Les. These women don't know what they're missing. Guess there's no accounting for taste!
Delete