Background image by Antony on Unsplash
Text art and effects by Ornery Owl (Cara Hartley)
Inspired by the two songs that appear at the end of the post: Rainbow Eyes and Carnival of Rust.
I was feeling deeply melancholy when I created this. It's that time of year when I have to prove I'm worthy to continue receiving Medicaid. I owe the IRS close to $600, and for me, that's a fortune. My son and I went to the food bank today. My nights have been rife with sleep paralysis and horrific dreams.
With my broken body, mind, and soul, I feel like an abject failure. I try to convince myself that I'm doing the best I can and it's okay, but sometimes I just can't. My "best" doesn't seem to be a fraction as good as other people's worst.
I felt strong suicide ideation today.
I wonder how much of it is me and how much of it is me wondering "how does the world think it's okay to let people become this broken, or worse?"
The carnival prompt reminded me of certain moments in my youth when I allowed myself to believe that my life was going to be wonderful. I became giddy and drunk on those daydreams. Sometimes I wish I'd never had them. They allowed me to believe that I was better than I was.
The carnival is a metaphor for the glamour that we are convinced we should pursue. Celebrity worship is like drinking poisoned champagne. It tastes good and it gets you high, and then it leaves you with a rotten headache and reeking of vomit.
Truth be told, I don't need poison in my champagne for it to have that effect. Best that I stick to club soda with lime.
~Ornery Owl Has Spoken~
Free use image from Open Clipart Vectors
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Beautifully melancholy haiga. It evokes loneliness, bleakness, the approach of winter.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the note. I'm sorry to learn what you are going through, and clearly have been for a long time. Still I'm glad you chose to share. How else do we know who we are interacting with? I don't think it's OK to let people become so broken. But I don't know how to fix it. If I lived in your country I might have some idea of what's possible there, but I don't. I'm glad there is a food bank. And I hope the IRS is letting you pay it off slowly.
If you lived here in Republica, you'd feel just as impotent and angry as anyone else with a conscience does. The wheels of Congress grind slow, and they grind the bones of the downtrodden beneath their hobnailed boots.
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