The story's protagonist, Ed, is a little batty
Before we begin:
This is the story of Ed and his red wheelbarrow. The story is composed of a series of limericks about a vampire named Ed and his love for gardening late at night with his red wheelbarrow.
Here is what I want in a critique.
I want to know about technical and formatting issues and the sorts of things which would improve the story's readability.
Here is what I do not want in a critique.
"I don't like limericks or poems. I don't like silly stories. I don't like stories about vampires with red wheelbarrows."
If you hate vampires, red wheelbarrows, limericks, poems, or silliness, do us both a favor and don't read this story. I don't want you reading stuff you don't like. You aren't doing either of us any favors. If that's what you're here to say, please move on down the line to the next story on the list.
If you're still here, I assume you want to read 1000 words about Ed and his red wheelbarrow. So, here you go.
There was a vampire named Ed
Who had a house with a garden and shed
He planted flowers at night
Underneath the moonlight
Hauling dirt in his wheelbarrow so red
Everyone thought Ed was up to no good
Hauling dirt and stakes made of wood
What could he be doing
Besides slaying and slewing
And not sleeping when folks thought he should
Ed planted colorful posies
Pansies, daisies, and rosies
He planted fruit trees
And big pink peonies
To delight every passerby's nosies
Halloween was Ed's favorite day
He put dried flowers in a bouquet
He picked pumpkins and squashes
And went out in his galoshes
To spruce up the yard the right way
Ed's house was festive and spooky
He was harmless, though a bit kooky
But everyone was afraid
So away they all stayed
Leaving Ed feeling lonesome and ooky
The next day, Ed found a letter
He hoped it would make him feel better
But the letter was mean
Called him a blood-sucking fiend
As Ed read, his cheeks became wetter
Ed knew he had to explain
He didn't eat people or even their brains
His blood came in sealed bags
Labeled neatly with tags
From biting he always abstained
So, one day in the middle of winter
Ed invited the neighbors to dinner
He served a nice stew
And apple pie too
As a chef, Ed was no beginner
Ed printed booklets to tell his story
He was a vampire but not so gory
He presented no danger
To friend or to stranger
And he didn't go hunting for quarry
I must drink blood, it is true
But no harm will come to you
I must garden at night
When the moonlight is right
I can't be out when it's sunny and blue
I drink blood which has been donated
Or proper payment negotiated
I don't sleep in a coffin
At least not very often
I'm friendly if a bit understated
I haul dirt in my wheelbarrow red
To make a good flowerbed
I mow my lawn in the dark
Sometimes walk to the park
I promise you've nothing to dread
I like to cook cakes and pies
When night falls and the moon starts to rise
But sometimes it gets lonely
Cooking for myself only
I'd love to share my food with you guys
A few centuries ago, it would seem
Ed was a chef for a queen
He tended her gardens
And signed all her pardons
Tucked her in and wished her sweet dreams
While visiting a strange land
Ed was attacked by a vampire man
Who drank up Ed's blood
And left him in the mud
Out in the barren wasteland
Ed bit the vampire while fighting
On that night so terribly frightening
Ed didn't die
And so, by the by
He awoke to a sharp crack of lightning
Ed knew he'd become a vampire
And the sun would make him catch fire
He found an old mausoleum
Where no-one could see him
In the daytime, he would there retire
At night, Ed went out and drank blood
But didn't drain folks or leave them in the mud
He couldn't go home
He felt sad and alone
His life had become quite a dud
Ed moved from town to town
Slept in any mausoleum he found
He slept in ship cargo holds
And castle strongholds
He traveled the globe all around
In modern times, Ed settled down
He was tired of traveling around
He didn't need to hypnotize
Unlucky girls and guys
When it was time to chow down
Ed found a house where he could stay
And get his blood the modern way
He bought his wheelbarrow red
And flour to make bread
And thought that things would be okay
If you're nervous I understand, you see
Said the booklet Ed passed out for free
I'm glad you've come by
Please have a slice of pie
And maybe a nice cup of tea
Folks soon discovered Ed was quite nice
His house smelled of sugar and spice
He was a genial host
To both the living and ghosts
And his pie had each guest enticed
Then there came a knock at the door
A voice said, "have you room for one more?"
It was a voice Ed had known
In his long-ago home
He almost fell in a faint on the floor
"My Queen, how can you be alive?"
Ed inquired his eyes wide with surprise
The Queen shook her head
"Not alive, I'm undead.
I wonder, will you invite me inside?"
Ed asked the Queen to come in right away
She smiled as she stood in the foyer
"I knew you wouldn't leave me alone
So, when you didn't come home
I went looking for you the next day."
The Queen said she met a vampire
Who drank her blood and threw her into the briar
But she bit him back
While he made his attack
When day came, she hid in the church with the spire
"I searched for you for year upon year,"
The Queen said, her eyes filled with tears
"It was bad luck, I think,"
Ed said, and gave her a drink
"For with you, I can never feel fear."
"Ed, you were a wonderful chef,
And as a gardener, you were the best
But I must tell you the truth
From the time of my youth
I loved you and none of the rest."
Ed married the Queen Christmas night
And everything was all right
Then when spring began
According to plan
Their garden was a glorious sight
There was a vampire named Ed
Who had a wheelbarrow painted bright red
He used to be lonely
But he has his one and only
And his neighbors think he bakes the best bread
Ed and the Queen now have a pet crow
And they adopted a werewolf, you know
Instead of howling at the moon
He sings a cool tune
And dogs follow him wherever he goes
With love from Ed, the Queen, and their family
