Abandoned House
Image obtained from wallpaperfo.com
Content warnings for profanity and gloomy, pissed-off poetry
If you have a problem with either of those, don't read this and then bitch about it
Anyway, I didn't write it for you
The Vile Truth
It's time to write a poem all about me
To tell a truth which will set no-one free
I won't deny, it will be bleak
If sweetness you want, somewhere else you should seek
For I speak only the vile truth
***
I graduated high school back in 1983
Into a world which despises people like me
I was never spry or slick
Nobody wanted to be my sidekick
I was one of the forgotten people
***
Let's get the eating disorder aside first
For although it's bad, it isn't the worst
In a world which treats thinner people like they walk on water
My sin was being the chunky-thighed, chipmunk-faced daughter
A plump, unloved candle with two charred ends
***
Starve until you get thin then binge when you can no longer stand it
Same sorry story, I'm so done with this shit
To spy on celebrities and watch their weight with disdain
This society has a lot of reasons to be ashamed
A dose of fetish in a shallow, judgmental world
***
Why don't you sprinkle on a little more self-righteous hate
When I look at you, what I see isn't that great
You tap-dance a sleazy staccato while you whistle a disdainful tune
Sing "I'm prettier than my brother" as you sashay across the room
Attractive on the outside, but filled with a soul-scathing darkness
***
Perhaps you should pay more attention to the shadows in the cellar
Of your own soul, and not that of the other fellow
Watch your back is something I learned long ago
Men who tell me I'm pretty have a hand they won't show
Predators have left me with a heart made of frozen filaments
***
I funnel my sorrowfulness into my writing though I don't believe
That anything of worth in this life I will achieve
She ran away from everything that hurt her, even herself
I have nothing to brag on, not fame, wealth, or health
My struggles inescapable: a mind without doors
***
If the deities think there are different things I should do
I want to hear it from them, not you
I don't know if I believe in magic any more
But perhaps one day the fairies will settle the score
I can't help but hope for the wrath of the dryads
***
On this shallow world
Which destroys those
Who are not deemed beautiful
In a very narrow way
Which judges people on looks rather than
On the way they treat others
~Cie~
Notes:
Yes, I'm angry.
No, I don't want your suggestions on how I can finally become thin, beautiful, and find Prince Charming.
I want a world where we don't judge people on their physique or their perceived beauty, and Prince Charming would be just one more pain in the ass whose needs I had to attend to.
I don't pull punches with my poetry.
I don't write about sweetness and light.
To me, poetry is hyperbolic.
It isn't a process of trying to make myself into one of the shiny happy people instead of an icky, dark, depressive thing.
It is simply me expressing thoughts that are not appropriate dinner conversation.
I am nearly 53 years old and I have a lot of health problems plus I live with a brain that has been trying to kill me for my entire life.
To break that down into a diagnosis that people who need an explanation for everything can understand, I have three major mental illnesses and I do not respond well to medication. I live with this shit. I accept this shit. But that doesn't mean I necessarily like it. Whatever potential I had was stolen from me by mental illness and more so by a society which has disdain for people like me, make no mistake.
As to my body, I discovered health at every size and size acceptance when I was 45. If I had discovered these critical concepts years ago, I might not have tried to starve myself into an arbitrary "acceptable" size. I might not have wasted hours a day at the gym instead of spending time with my son in his early years, all in the quest of achieving a "perfect" body so someone might "love" me. My overexercising (orthorexia) contributed to a lot of the musculoskeletal problems I now have. I couldn't exercise like that anymore even if I wanted to.
Further, these behaviors never made me thin. I do not have the kind of body that will be thin regardless of how much I starve or overexercise it. Unless I become terminally ill as my great-grandmother did (acute myelogenous leukemia took her from 300 pounds to 95 pounds in the space of a year and then she died--but, hey, she cut a svelte figure in her casket!) I will never be thin. Fuck it. If this is a problem for you, than you're the one with the problem. You shouldn't be judging people based on their body type.
I'm diabetic, so I have to be careful about what I eat. My go-to snack is seasoned Kale. My treat is five of those little "fun size" candy bars: two sugar-free and three regular. I drink unsweetened nut milk, which is 45 calories per cup. Do I think this makes me some kind of saint? Fuck no! It actually pisses me the hell off to have to mind what I eat to this degree, and, in fact, I find discussions of diet and exercise boring as fuck. Who the fuck cares what you eat or how much you exercise? I certainly don't, it's none of my damn business. I only mention it because my point is I eat a very restrictive diet and I'm still fat. A person's body type is much more complex than "calories in, calories out."
I have to inject insulin because I have a zombie pancreas. I also have to take thyroid medication, because I have a zombie thyroid. My PCOS is pretty well resolved thanks to menopause. However, my pituitary is whack in some sort of unspecified way. I have a crappy, third-rate endocrine system. My crappy, third-rate endocrine system insures that in a world where thinness is next to godliness, I will always be fat. I honestly don't care about that. It just pisses me off that so many people do care about it, and, further, that they think it is their right to care about it.
Here is your TL:DR takeaway:
Quit judging other people for their looks or based on what you think they "should" have accomplished in their lives. You probably don't know what battles they're fighting or how much impact your words have. If blaming and shaming worked, we would have no addicts, no fat people, and no-one would be mentally ill or struggling for even the most meager of "success." Try a measure of kindness instead.
~The Cheese Hath Grated It~
Prompt List
The Daily Post
Funnel
Daily Text Prompt:
I want to hear it from them, not you
Hourly Writing Prompts:
Sorrowfulness
Mindlovemisery's Menagerie
Prompts Blog:
I'm prettier than my brother
Word and Phrase List
binge
deny
sidekick
sin
slick
sprinkle
spy
staccato
thinner
watch
water
whistle
funnel
sorrowfulness
I'm prettier than my brother
I want to hear it from them, not you
Watch your back
The Vile Truth
Shadows in the Cellar
Frozen Filaments
Inescapable: A Mind without Doors
Soul Scathing Darkness
Wrath of the Dryads
A Dose of Fetish
The Forgotten People
Charred Ends
1983
