Do the Cosmos weep
When a stellar explosion
Leaves all dead and calm
~Naila~
As the challenge goes, this poem is an epic fail. I succeeded with the first rule. I biffed the second and third. Whether I succeeded with the fourth is open to interpretation. I did not succeed at the fifth. The poem does have a deeper meaning, but I doubt anyone will be able to determine what it is.
+ 5-7-5 syllables
+ a seasonword (kigo)
+ a cuttingword (kireji, in western mostly interpunction)
+ a moment as short as the sound of a pebble thrown in water
+ interchangable first and third line
+ a deeper meaning
Hi Naila ~~ I like it a lot. And I don't think you biffed it, not at all.
ReplyDeleteHere is rule # 5: (Yay, Bravo !! -- I like it !!)
When a stellar explosion
Leaves all dead and calm
Do the Cosmos weep
then,
Rule 2 - 'Calm' is a seasonal rule, peaceful like the heavens or summer sky. Yours certainly is that after the cosmos explosion.
For a list of seasonal words, try this: http://youngleaves.org/season-word-list/ (you'll have to paste it).
Rule 3 - The is a hard one for me to tell when it fits. But your change from the 'explosion' to 'calm' certainly is an abrupt change in the way the haiku is going.
When I am in doubt as to whether or not it fits the "traditional" haiku rules I will call it a Senryū. But modern haiku writers hardly ever follow all the "traditional" rules.
Again, I like it a lot, I am glad you chose to write about the 'stellar explosion.'
..
What wonderful thoughts! These will help our entire team with our Haiku writing. :-)
DeleteNaila, if it's a failure, it's a beautiful one. I think I know what the hidden meaning is. Imma bout to message you!
ReplyDeleteThoughtful and moody :)
ReplyDeleteThank you, on behalf of Naila.
DeleteEpic fail?
ReplyDeleteMore like epic win!
I think I know the hidden meaning and I love it!
..... sometimes even stellar nurseries don't go as planned.
ReplyDeleteMight not be "traditional" but I still like it -- very much. :)
Not sure if you got my previous comment (darn captcha!) but in case you didn't --- loved this very much -- traditional or not!
ReplyDeleteWe shouldn't have a captcha. I have it set for no word verification. I hate those damn things! Weird...
DeleteThanks for your compliment. I know Naila will appreciate it. :-)
It damn well should, Naila.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully executed!
Like Petra said, if they don't, they damn well should. And if the cosmos are too callous, then I will weep for them.
ReplyDeleteThis was wonderful and I like how Jim took the construction to show you how it works.
ReplyDelete