If I’m living on borrowed time, do you think I’m gonna waste my time conforming?

Current age: 62 and has no memories of his accomplishments or his family and friends.
Age at onset of dementia: 55 (and fuck you, Universe)

Lewy Body Dementia discovered post-suicide Age: 63

The Real Cie's aunt: probable Lewy Body Dementia, age of diagnosis: 72

Me: Age 49, will be 50 on February 15.

TRIGGER WARNING: DISCUSSION OF SUICIDE IDEATION

Here's what I'm noticing. This kind of shit seems to be happening in younger and younger people. I'm not a scientist. Nor am I particularly given to believing in conspiracy theories. The Illumin-Naughty seem as likely to exist as the Illuminati, as far as I'm concerned. But I do see a pattern.

I think our world is polluted as fuck, and it's killing us in various and horrible ways. I think all the people succumbing to these shitty forms of dementia have been poisoned by our toxic environment, and it isn't going to get any better anytime soon.

I evidently have a genetic trigger for this shit, and I have been thinking. I may be living on borrowed time. And if I am, I'm going to off myself when I get the diagnosis. I've taken care of people with dementia for all but five years since 1988. I am not putting myself or my son through that shit.

Given that there's a fair possibility that I'm living on borrowed time, do you know what the fuck I'm not going to do?

Care about a bunch of rules set down by a bunch of stodgy, imagination-impaired, heartless, inflexible assholes. 

Believe as I do. Don't believe as I do. I really don't care. But don't fucking tell me how to think and feel. I was never going to conform to your standards anyway. Given that I may only have five or ten years left, I'm going to conform to them even less.

I have an open mind about metaphysical possibilities. I'm not going to close my mind because my beliefs make some people uncomfortable.

I love what and who I love. If you have a problem with that, take a look in the damn mirror as you point your finger at me. Then take a look at the three fingers pointing back at you.

I'm actually not afraid of this possibility. I'm pretty stoic about it. I've had suicide ideation pretty much all my life. I'm not afraid to die. My life hasn't been an easy one. Sometimes I think the easiest thing in the world would be to down a whole bunch of pills with a butt ton of alcohol and just let the world fuck off at last. I'm sick and tired of hearing what a fuckup I am echoing in my damn head all the time.

I'm not doing it today. So don't get your hackles up searching my URL to try and find out where I'm located. This isn't a "right now" suicide note. This is a "if I'm diagnosed with dementia I'm offing myself" note. Because fuck that shit.

So anyway, if I believe in the possibility of ghosts and incarnate people communicating with each other and maybe even becoming friends or falling in love, who the fuck is anyone else to tell me I can't believe that? 

If I believe the personality survives the death of the body, who the fuck is anyone to tell me I can't believe that?

If I believe in an afterlife, but not an afterlife that adheres to some particular set of dogma created by a bunch of stodgy old fucks to control the masses, well, that is what I believe. If it brings you comfort to think of me frying in a fiery pit because of my beliefs, perhaps you're the sick fuck, not me. 

If I believe in reincarnation, how the fuck is that hurting you?

People are always so all-fired hot to tell other people what they should and shouldn't think and feel. I've had it up to here with that shit. None of us knows for sure what happens after we die. My theories are as valid as anyone else's. More to the point, I don't shove them down anybody's throat. 

I guess my point is this. I don't know if I'm living on borrowed time or not, but I damn well could be. Do you think I'm gonna waste that time trying to please anybody by conforming to their particular reality? I can't live your damn reality, nor do I want to. I can only live my own. 

Stop trying to tell other people what to believe, think and feel. As long as what you're doing isn't hurting anybody else, it's nobody's damn business.

One thing I aim to do. When I do get to the other side, whenever that is, I am going to give both of the dudes pictured a great big warm hug, because they both touched my life for the better and both pulled me through when I was a very sad, lonely, and bullied teenager. I wished both of them could be my friends.

I totally shipped "Mork" as my best platonic friend back in the day, and you will never guess which band was Mork's and my favorite. When you're a sad and miserable twelve or thirteen year old, that kind of thing can mean a lot.

When people judge another person's reality based on their own set of experiences, they do the person they're judging a great disservice.

Both Malcolm Young and Robin Williams taught me a lot. The biggest thing they taught me is that having compassion is the most important thing. As neither of them are conventionally attractive, they also taught me that true beauty is in the soul. Not that either of them are ugly, but neither of them would ever be considered "hunky" by any stretch of the imagination.

Both of them struggled with depression and addiction issues. These are certainly things to which I can relate. 

These are beautiful people--truly beautiful people, not Hollywood hyped beautiful on the outside hollow on the inside glamour seeking glory grabbers. If I do end up being one of the many succumbing to the horror of dementia, at least I will know I am in glorious company. I love you Mal, and I love you Robin. And I do not give one single fuck what anyone thinks of that statement.

I guess I've said what I need to say. It pretty well boils down to this. Quit fucking judging. You do not know what another person is going through or what they have been through. Since you haven't experienced their life, you aren't qualified to judge it.

I can't live as if there's no tomorrow, because my Last Day may be here sooner than I ever would have imagined. I have to get what I can done in what time I may have left. I'm not wasting that time conforming to anyone else's bullshit standards.

~Cie~

More and Less than Human

 

 

More and Less than Human

 

My eyes have seen you

Perform before ten times a thousand and more

Being onstage got you high

But it also made you panic

 

To perform was always your choice

It was the way that you expressed yourself

Because sometimes it was hard for you to talk

Especially when you needed help

 

You were always willing to help others

But when it came to your own needs, you hit a snag

Perhaps you thought you could sweat it out if you worked hard enough

You thought you could burn your troubles out of your body

 

People like you are more and less than human

In the eyes of your audience

The crowd sees you as both invincible and fatally flawed

You can't win in the arena of public opinion

 

My eyes have seen you

As more lofty than the archangels

As broken as a shattered China cup

As wonderfully and exquisitely anomalous

 

I wish my eyes did not have to see you lose yourself

 

~Cie~

 

 

 

 

 

(Not So) Wordless Wednesday: He Will Not Be Forgotten

Note:

The following song was written about a romantic breakup. It takes on a different connotation when applied to the scenario in which a person is losing their memories but another remembers everything for and about them. I never touched the person whom this post honors. He is something seraphic in my eyes, too good for this ugly world.

I struggled with whether or not to even post this, so if you comment, be decent about it, would ya?

Seven months to the day since I saw your face
You roam the earth like a fire holding out 'til the bitter end
You're holding on 'til the bitter end

I take a walk into town
It's like a dead-end street
The sidewalk sings your name underneath my feet
Echoes of forgotten love

Baby, where did you go?
Did you sail away over some distant ocean?
Darling, what we had
It cannot be taken
It cannot be stolen
And it won't be forgotten
No, it won't be forgotten

Summer disappears like a dream I had
And winter comes with a knife that cuts you down
And it never ends
Ooh, it never ends

I hurry past the place you like to drink alone
Seven months to the day you left me here on this avenue
And now I think of you

Baby, where did you go?
Did you sail away over some distant ocean?
Darling, what we had
It cannot be taken
It cannot be broken
And it won't be forgotten
No, it won't be forgotten

Seven months to the day and you don't leave a trace
I search the cracks in the ground, the tallest buildings
They never knew, oh they never knew

Baby, where did you go?
Did you sail away over some distant ocean?
Darling, what we had
It cannot be taken
It cannot be broken
And it won't be forgotten

Baby, where did you go?
Did you sail away over some distant ocean?
Darling, what we had
It cannot be taken
It cannot be stolen
And it won't be forgotten
No, it won't be forgotten

Cross-Posted to:

Dream About Me Sweet Brother

 (NSFW Blog, explicit gay erotica)

Poetry of the Netherworld

(Generally regarded as "Safe." Strong language, adult themes, occasional art nudes)

Rattling Bones Undead Musician Magazine

(Sometimes NSFW. Adult humor, strong language, occasional nudity in a humorous context)

A Fading Dream

Image Source

Cie says: Thank you, Dolly. I love it!

Dolly wants to clarify: I'm the finder, not the artist. I can barely draw stick figures!

Prompt: Red Wolf Poems

A Fading Dream

It seems so cruel

That the fates make you a toy

Collecting dust in some forgotten room

Your life is already lost

Your thoughts encased in frost

Your song silenced

I wish that the fairies would open the door to the realms beyond

Allowing you to fly free

Such a soft, fragile soul

Would fade quickly from this unkind place

Would a smile grace your pretty face

As you vanished in a puff of mist

Dolly

and

Cie

Accepting the Finite

To accept his fate

Would deny the injustice

Of a mind stolen

~Seth~

Seth Says:

There mightn't be a damn thing we can do to help him or to stop this horror from afflicting other people. But that doesn't mean we have to be apathetic. Apathy is a toxin that destroys what the world needs most: compassion. Do not be telling people expressing grief that they need to "get over it." If you are doing this, what you need to do is back off.

(Not So) Wordless Wednesday: Never Forget

Let us never forget the inspiration behind so much of our recent work. 

Click to enlarge the image

Photoshop manip by Cie

Original Eye in the Sky image:

Copyright: zadvinskiy / 123RF Stock Photo

This wasn't long ago, but it was prior to the massive cerebral degeneration that leaves him unable to remember anything about his life. Even at that juncture, the eyes that were once bright and alert were now bewildered and frightened. It breaks our hearts.

He and others like him are worth remembering, even though they can't remember.

If caring is uncool, then we're proud to be uncool.

We won't ever forget.

Forget any of the supernatural horrors that we create. Those are small potatoes. Even they run crying for their mommy in the face of real-life abominations such as this.

Lewy Body Dementia is an evil force which steals the light from beautiful, bright eyes. It is a sociopathic murderer which kills dreams and memories. It is a thief that strikes in the night, leaving a sharp mind broken in shards like a fragile artifact smashed on a stone floor. It is pure malevolence. It must be stopped so no more lives are destroyed this way.

Tempest

for

Team Netherworld