There is no calm at the eye of this hurricane
I attempt to be stoic
while confronting the fiasco
Of fools who think it is their duty to command in patronizing voices
That I oughtn’t to overeat
When I am sitting at the table
Minding my own business while having a cup of gelato
I am not given to overeating or veisalgia these days
I do not enjoy the feeling of having overdone things
But despite my tendency to moderation, which is no-one’s
business but my own
People who don’t even know me take it upon themselves
To be throwing their derision in my direction
Because I dare to exist in public while fat
And even to eat where I can be seen sometimes
I try to stand sturdy like an ilex
I try to bear up under the heat like irons in a fire
I try to add a ferrule of positive thinking to my arsenal of
weapons
But I can feel the whirlwind of self-loathing brewing in my
psyche
Turning my soul indigo in the face of disdain known all too
well
There will be no waterfall of tears
I learned long ago not to cry
But the desire to destroy myself surfaces in my soul
The need to vomit up all I eat rises in my gullet
The self-loathing starts to consume me, and I wish I could
eat myself from within
Nibble myself down bit by bit until I disappear
I once wanted to be pretty
Now I just want to be invisible
I can rail about the fact that my body betrayed me
My endocrine system went awry
Fat is what I am
Regardless of what I eat or how little
Though I damn well should not have to feel beholden to
explain such things
And nor should anybody else
When you see a fat person that you don’t know
You can say hello with a genuine smile in your voice
Just like you would say to someone you wanted to fuck
Now, wasn’t that easy?
No need to moralize anyone’s body or food intake or appearance
No need to make anybody feel
As if they should eat themselves until they waste away
~cie~
369 words
prompts used
This is painful, poignant and sadly true for far too many. And yes, invisibility has a heap of charm. Mostly I think I have achieved it these days. Mostly.
ReplyDeleteI love how raw and real this is. It pulls absolutely no punches with the phrasing or imagery. If a reader finds themselves squirming at any point they are reminded while this is only an instant for them to read, for others, this is their life.
ReplyDeleteI was a pudgy child and I never outgrew it. I empathize with every word of this!
ReplyDeleteA powerful poem and I am sorry about your struggle. There is strength in your poem as you said "which is no-one’s business but my own" and furthermore Just want to say hello :)
ReplyDeleteWe are all made in different sizes to suit all comers. I have been skinny all my life which I hated but size is not necessarily an averse quality.
ReplyDeleteIf this is not autobiographical, it sounds very well understood. Well described and very thought-provoking! There seems to be so much unkindness in the world today – or perhaps it is that social media spreads it faster and wider. Fat-shaming is certainly one form of cruelty.
ReplyDeleteSometimes, people and their way of seeing what's right or lovely or not makes me really sick. I can't stand individuals that make judgments without having any kind of information or without having been asked. I have no idea what they get out of it, or why they feel it is their duty. The whole thing drives me nuts. The frustration that sparks, so hotly out of this poem, is the same kind of feeling that makes me want to kick someone in the teeth when they say that a prosthetic breast would make me look like a real woman again. Some people suck.
ReplyDeleteYour words moved me greatly and made me sad.
ReplyDeletePeople can be so judgemental. callous and unbelievably cruel and take obscene pleasure in hurting others.
I pity them.
Much love to you.
Anna :o]
I've shared the link to this poem on my Facebook page, in the hope that it creates awareness.
ReplyDelete