Wasted Moments
Warning: Post contains NSFW image (nonsexual nudity)
You told me you didn't care
About the size
Of my thighs
That you loved me fat or thin
But my dear, you couldn't win
Against hate so internalized
You said you wanted to see me
But I turned out the lights
We could only make love at night
I despised the body I had
Taught from day one that fat is bad
What I am just wasn't all right
I wasted so much time
Hating myself
Wanting to be someone else
I regret those wasted moments
Blinded by internal torment
Instead of celebrating ourselves
My body is what it is
~Yeris~
Dedicating this to my husband, who will be gone 11 years this February
An amazing photographer who sees the beauty in various body types
This is the body type that I have, and this woman actually looks quite a bit like a younger version of me.
I never hated other fat people.
I never used to be able to say the word "fat" without thinking of it as an insult.
I so feared being seen as fat that I did some very damaging things to myself in my younger years to stay thin, although I was never really thin.
With less time and more kids, I became heavier.
This happens to a lot of us, and it isn't something we should be ashamed of. It's just nature.
I only learned in the past few years just how much damage the diet industry does to people. They pull in billions of dollars every year selling shame and self-hate. I refuse to be part of it any more. I thank the friends who introduced me to Health at Every Size and Size Acceptance.
These days I like to look at photos of larger women, either nude or in beautiful clothes, to help remind myself that there's nothing wrong with the body I have.
This is one of my favorite blogs:
A wonderful poem on ruch a painful subject. The body image we have of ourselves is frequently negative, conditioned, as you say, by advertisements and the fashion industry. Now I am old, I don't care any more, let it all hang out!
ReplyDeleteI read your poem immediately after reading Sylvia Plath's poem The Birthday Present, which is even more sad, so I read yours with empathy.
Beautiful
ReplyDeleteThis was so nicely done.
ReplyDeleteI have always been the chubby child since my teenage so I know
Even when I was thinner I had this thing to go perfect...but alas...
Now I am fatter and struggles goes...
I think we all should love ourself for way we are and I applaud you for raising such a topic which many of us don't realize affect us badly.
Loved the expressions.
Very brave. I come from a large family...and there's lots of us.
ReplyDeleteReally beautiful poem and insights, though acceptance of our selves comes slowly, if at all. I hope you celebrate each moment and cherish the memories of your dear husband.
ReplyDeleteViv, I love Sylvia Plath too. I can relate to the things she writes about as I have always struggled with depression.
ReplyDeleteI think that younger women do have it harder than us gals of a certain age when it comes to being allowed to accept our bodies. There's such a push to be young and perfect.
Thank you, Ron.
Love it, Mark! Thanks. :-D
Beth, it came really slowly for me and I'm not entirely there but I'm working on it. I'm in my late 40's.
Wow, this piece is absolutely brilliant. The first stanza is particularly affecting...great job! Have you ever heard of "The Gifts of Imperfection" or "Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown? If not, give them a read, they tackle shame and vulnerability in our culture. Thanks for sharing!
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